Bloodrayne – Nostalgia Critic

Bloodrayne – Nostalgia Critic


Malcolm: Hey, Critic, what are you looking at? NC: My next movie review called Bloodrayne. Tamara: Pretty bad, I take it? NC: It’s an Uwe Boll movie. Malcolm: Uwe Boll? Aren’t his films so bad, they cause people to bash their heads in with a sledgehammer? NC: Uh-huh. Tamara: After jumping out of a plane? NC: Yup. Malcolm: After blowing up an airport? NC: That’s right. Tamara: After crashing a car filled with explosives doused in gasoline while shooting a semi-automatic while going into oncoming traffic while singing I’m A Yankee Doodle Dandy? NC: Twice. Malcolm: Well, I can see why you don’t wanna review it. NC: That’s not the only reason. You see, whenever I do an Uwe Boll movie, there’s a… tradition. Tamara: Tradition? NC: It’s a long story. I can take care of it myself. Malcolm: Hmm. NC: [sigh] Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Sometimes, a comic comes along where you just have- It’s time. [zooms out of room] Spoony: Of course, there was a Final Fantasy anime, and of course, it sucked. But even after the first episode- [crash] [running] [crash] NC: Christ, you guys are so dramatic. Spoony: Aah! [“The Three Stooges” theme plays] NC: Uwe Boll, the most faithful movie adapter of video games since the directing team behind Super Mario Bros., returns with what many consider his crowning achievement of shit, Bloodrayne. Spoony: The movie based on the classic video game, and by based, I mean more gangbanged and mutilated than a Game of Thrones character, once again demonstrates Boll’s talent (if you can call it that) for cutting more corners than a paper snowflake. Linkara: And if you thought Twilight was the worst disservice to vampires the world has ever known, it is. But this one’s pretty bad, too. NC: So, let’s not waste any time. This is- Linkara: Ah-dah-dah, Critic! Oh, we have something we have to address first! The elephant in the room, which of course is him! Spoony: What did I do? Linkara: Oh, you know exactly what you did! It happened a few years ago, the drama that was caused, everything that happened on Twitter, on Facebook, on everything like that, the betrayal of everything that we stand for! Roll the clip! You never went to Castleton! [orchestral sting] Spoony: I dropped out, OK? NC: This is Bloodrayne. Spoony: Dude, do we have to censor the lettering? Those 2 O’s are looking pretty phallic. NC: Hey, if the Aliens logo can get away with an I-gina, I think we can let that pass. Linkara: I wonder if the word “special” is code for “blackmailed”. NC: I just assumed most of Billy Zane’s career is blackmail. Spoony: We open up in… Actually, I don’t know. They never give a location or a time period, so that’s already two of the basic five essential story elements ignored. Hell, let’s just throw “why” in there, too, as I’m sure most of this film will ignore that. As we see a team of wanderers led by Michael Madsen and his lion mane mullet. The main thing I notice throughout this movie is it just seems like Michael Madsen is drunk off his ass through the entire film shoot. Seriously, he just looks so drunk and miserable, like they had to send a grip to his trailer and clean him up in a hurry, slap that ratty ass wig on his head, and maybe get a few usable takes out of him. Vladimir: “How long do you think it will take to get there?” Vladimir: “We must go back to Brimstone.” Vladimir: “This is what I’ve decided to do.” Vladimir: “The monastery has been attacked and the Eye is gone.” Spoony: You can almost sense the grip just off camera with a Long Island iced tea waiting for the scene to end and him to shamble over and take another drink. Vladimir: “What do you have for us?” Bartender: “I think I may have found something of interest.” Linkara: But one of them notices that the person next to him has little to reflect on. [stab] Bartender: “Ha, I like you Brimstone people. You never make a mess of the place.” Vladimir: “What have you heard?” Bartender: “What might only be the tall tale-” NC: Moving on, I guess. Linkara: No one even batted an eye. Spoony: Is this like an everyday thing? NC: When did killing a vampire become yesterday’s news? Linkara: Yeah, I don’t care where or when you are (and again, neither does Uwe Boll), but killing a vampire will never be a boring thing. Cinema Snob: Guys, guys, holy shit, you won’t believe it! I just killed a vampire! Spoony: Was it a Nazi vampire? Cinema Snob: Well, technically, no, but- NC: Oh, please, Cinema Snob, everybody knows that Nazi vampires are all the rage now. Linkara: Yeah, what you did is like the Bing search engine of vampire killings. Cinema Snob: But he killed a family of six! Spoony: Go away, Cinema Snob. I can’t even stand to look at you. Cinema Snob: OK, I guess I can drop his clothes off at the Goodwill or something. Spoony: You do that. NC: Noob. We then see a carnival where a half-human/half-vampire named Rayne, played by Kristanna Loken, is dragged out as a sideshow attraction. Carnival Barker: “So sensitive to water! The very touch of it… [Rayne screaming] burns her skin!” Linkara: Wait a minute, was that holy water? NC: Nope. Linkara: Then how the hell did it burn her? NC: Ohohoho, Linkara, this is the Stephenie Meyer age of vampires. You can make up anything! If you wanna say water hurts them, even though it’s not blessed, it’s OK now. Spoony: Yeah, if you wanna say they in no way can fly, turn into bats, or do most of the cool things vampires do, that’s OK now, too. Linkara: Oh, I see. And if people travel for miles to see one as an attraction, yet nobody turns their head if one is stabbed and violently decomposes in front of their eyes… NC and Spoony: It’s totally OK! Linkara: Now I know! And knowing makes it even more confusing. Spoony: But one of the other attractions, the amazing candle slicer, takes a liking to Rayne and dreams of living in a better world with her. Woman: “My uncle, he’s a sailor… and he once told me of a place where people play all day… and the trees grow fruits in every color of the rainbow… and the sunsets set the whole sky on fire…” Mike Ransom: “They got tons of popcorn there… There’s cotton candy…mountains of it… And chocolate milk…and malts…” George: “…gonna have a field of alfalfa.” Lennie: “For the rabbits?” Akio: “…without war and traffic accidents
for the sake of the human beings…” Woman: “Doesn’t it sound wonderful, Rayne?” NC: We then cut to her…escaping? Wait…when did that happen? [Rayne screaming] Linkara: Oh, I guess she was just dreaming. NC: Does she always dream in Photoshop smears? [muffled screaming] Spoony: Yeah…I’d need to be drunk to get through this movie, too. [bottle breaking] [Rayne growling, attacker screaming in pain] Linkara: Wait a minute…now she’s back in the field?
What the hell’s going on? Is this a dream? A flashback? What? Frank Miller’s time codes are more fluid than this! Spoony: The three hunters come across the carnival where Rayne was and discovers it’s burnt to the ground. Sebastian: “This is the work of a young vampire.” Vladimir: “We have work to do.” [chop] NC: Um…thank you for chopping off the heads of our dead people… And burning their bodies… Woman: “She didn’t mean to bite me…” [stab] NC: And stabbing our performers…
I’m sorry, have you been helped? Spoony: Seriously, do these people ever react to anything? Why does nobody care that these wackos are chopping up their dead and living cast members? Linkara: Just another fad gone passé, I guess. Cinema Snob: Guys! Guys! I just decapitated 20 corpses and stabbed an injured woman through the chest! No reason, really…I’m just kinda sick! Spoony: Were they ninja decapitated corpses? Cinema Snob: I didn’t ask what their martial arts background was. NC: Oh, Snob… Everyone knows if there’s any decapitated corpses worth talking about, it’s NINJA decapitated corpses! Linkara: Does this guy ever wake up? Spoony: They sneak without thought, man! Cinema Snob: But I have a thirst for blood that can’t be quenched! Spoony: Away with you, Snob. You become more dated with every passing view. Cinema Snob: Why won’t someone help me?! Linkara: Meanwhile at Castle Brownfilter, we see Billy Zane dictating a letter to his daughter. Elrich: “Although we’ve had our differences in the past,” “I beseech you now to put away old grudges
for the good of humanity.” “Together we will stop this madness
and bring peace to these lands.” “Your Beloved Father, etc. etc.” NC: (as Elrich) “And if you have any information about how to get this dead skunk off my head, it would be most appreciated.” Elrich: “What do you think?” Scribe: “A very compelling argument, Master.” Elrich: “Oh, you’re such a suck-up.” NC: (as Cal Hockley) Bottom line, Lovejoy… Spoony, NC and Linkara: Find her. Spoony: His daughter in this movie is played by Michelle Rodriguez, and if you couldn’t tell by her unbelievable resemblance to him, surely you could tell by her pitch-perfect, completely unmistakeable British accent. Katarin: “Will you be opening up the gates to the thralls?” Katarin: “…grave importance…” Katarin: “You should not travel with her.” Katarin: “We’re growing weaker.” Katarin: “I seek to feel secure.” Katarin: “Be sure this message arrives.” Linkara: Ah…it’s good to know those years at the Dick van Dyke School of Accents paid off. Katarin: “You’ll secure the entrance until I return.” Bert: [stuttering] “I have to be moving along.
The Lord Mayor’s got a stopped-up chimney.” NC: We then see Rayne enter a village where she comes across a female vampire hitting on a man… …which clearly Rayne takes as she would find her attractive and beckons her to come forward. Spoony, NC and Linkara: Bow-chika-wow-OW! Spoony: But a fortune-teller sees the bit-and-run, and decides for really no reason whatsoever to tell her the future. Fortuneteller: “Most believe that your kind are merely legends.” “Part vampire, part human…” “Generally they are exterminated…” “You’ve hidden well.” Linkara: (as the fortune-teller) “Yes…you’ve been displayed in front of dozens of people and killed off an entire carnival singlehandedly. You’re better than Solid Snake.” Fortuneteller: “There was a man.” Rayne: “Kagan?” Fortuneteller: “Kagan’s not a man. He’s a vampire.” “And you are his creation.” Rayne: “He killed my mother.” Fortuneteller:
“Dhampirs are rarely a product of a happy union between a vampire and a human.” Rayne: “You lie.” NC: So you mean your vampire father killing your mother WAS a happy union? Linkara: Boy, somebody’s in denial. Spoony: (as a fortune-teller) Your father is evil… Tamara: (as Rayne) No, he just likes to drink the blood of Catholic nuns. Spoony: He was mean to your mother… Tamara: What man wouldn’t disembowel his wife for spilling the sugar? Spoony: You like to watch the Pawn Stars… Tamara: THAT is a lie! It is so obviously scripted! Who could be as stupid as Chumlee? You are a fraud! A FRAUD! Cinema Snob: It’s getting worse… I just bit the neck of a prostitute and no one seems to notice… Spoony: Was it a zombie prostitute? Cinema Snob: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?! Linkara: Meanwhile at Hogwarts, we see Ben Kingsley (presumably paying off an LED TV) as Rayne’s evil father. He’s just been told that Rayne is off to get a magic eye… Sure… …which is said to help get his attention. Oh, look! A sailboat! Kagan: “Kill her.” Kagan: “Let her find the Eye or let her try, then kill her.” NC: Something you’ll notice very quickly is that Kingsley’s scenes are phenomenally short. Some barely even reach a minute. They’re so short, I think he literally charged by the second. You could pretty much sum up every scene with: (as Domastir) “Are you evil?”
(as Kagan) “Yup.”
(as Domastir) “Just checking.” Spoony: Rayne then makes her way to the monastery where the Eye is said to be hidden. She finds a secret location which leads her to a door guarded by an overcooked Fester Addams. [monster growling] Linkara: Look out! You nearly hit the camera! Spoony: Good. [monster grunting] [monster grunting again] NC: Is this really the best security they could get? Just because he looks like a melting candle of Steve Austin doesn’t mean his whack-a-mole method holds any water. [monster groaning] [squish] Spoony: (as Hodor) Oh…Hodor… [door opening] Linkara: Next, she enters a booby-trapped room that makes Indiana Jones look like a true-life drama. [traps zooming about] NC: [laughing] They got their security system from
Itchy and Scratchy! [Daffy Duck and Woody Woodpecker laughing] [traps zooming about again] Spoony: Yeah…right. I think we all know what would happen to her. [buzzer] [water running] NC: But the dangerous water is suddenly released–yeah, that’s still a thing… …as she absorbs the power of the eye,
which makes her immune to it. Linkara: (booming voice) Activating the water trap for the device that makes you immune…to…the water…trap… Spoony: Hey, here’s an obvious question… What if the person getting the eye wasn’t a vampire? I mean, okay, the whole “vampires melt in water” thing is stupid already, but what if it wasn’t a vampire that got it, though? What if it was just a normal guy? Would the water really be that big a threat? Evil Voice: “YOU HAVE STOLEN THE FORBIDDEN TREASURE! NOW FACE THE ULTIMATE TORTURE!” Malcolm: Huh…that’s mildly annoying… Can you get my pits? NC: But all the water, all the buzzsaws and all the giant guards are no match for their final defense… A polite man who nicely asks her to come with him! Monk: “I suggest you follow me.” [Spoony, NC and Linkara screaming] Linkara: Hold me… Spoony: [muffled] Aah… Monk: “It seems that you absorbed the eye.” Rayne: “Why do you protect it?” Monk: “Because the eye holds powers.” “Why do you think water no longer burns you?” Linkara: Still wondering how it hurts her to begin with. The human body is 60% water, and blood is 80% water. Now how the hell–
NC: No-no-no-no…Linkara, Linkara… You’re thinking too hard about it. Just let it go… Linkara: B-but it just doesn’t add up!
Spoony: Linkara, just keep telling yourself… “It’s Uwe Boll”, man… “It’s Uwe Boll”… In…”It’s Uwe Boll…” [softly] Crap… Monk: “They all belong to a long-dead vampire named Belial.” “He discovered a method to defy those elements that destroy vampires.” NC: So it’s explained that the eye and the other three separated body parts belonged to a vampire who tried to perfect their weaknesses, and that if the body parts were all brought back together, it would make the most powerful vampire ever. Linkara: One, if he managed to pull this off,
then how did he ever die? Two, if they’re so powerful, why didn’t they just destroy the damn things to begin with? This movie is driving me crazy! Spoony: Come on, Linkara. You gotta calm down, alright? Remember what we talked about… Uwe Boll… In and out…Uwe Boll…that’s it– Linkara: ADAMANTIUM RAAAAAAGE!!! [punch] Spoony: [holding nose] Oh God… Linkara: Ahhh…that did make me feel better, actually. Spoony: My sinus cavities… Spoony: But Kagan’s men attack in probably the bloodiest, and yet somehow not actually gory, fight scene in movie history. The makeup is so fake and poorly photographed that it’s barely worth the R rating. Look at this guy. He’s cut in half, but you can clearly see his legs standing up. NC: Well, you don’t know. Maybe Wallace made him a pair of extra legs,
like in The Wrong Trousers. Linkara: Half of these guys don’t even look that pained to be stabbed. They just look kind of annoyed, like they’ve been in the makeup chair for eight hours and just want this crap off. NC: “Ow, I guess.” Domastir: “Where’s the Eye?” Spoony: (as Domastir) “Perhaps KILLING YOU will get you to answer my question!” NC: Rayne gets knocked out, but that’s of little consequence as we have more important things to focus on. Like, hey…it’s been ten minutes. Time for another five-second Ben Kingsley cameo! Kagan: “Come closer.” “Don’t be afraid.” Linkara: Yeah. All he’s gonna do is rip open your neck and feed on your insides. I can see why Rayne thought her mother and him had a happy union. Spoony: And just when you think this is the most pointless celebrity cameo, Take a look at who they got to play the owner of the vampire feeding house. Leonid: “Why do you come here and insult my palace with your…stench?” NC and Linkara: Is that Meat Loaf?! Spoony: Yup. Linkara: Wearing a 19th century powdered wig? Spoony: Yup. NC: Surrounded by whores and giving a performance more over-the-top than a kabuki pole vaulter? Spoony: Yup! [laughing] Leonid: “The mightiest…of all…vampires!” NC: Oh my God! Linkara: This is comedy overload! NC: We need time to get all our jokes together! Pen! Paper! NC: We’ll be right back. We just need time to all of these jokes out and organized. [giggling] [giggling] NC: Okay, so we have had plenty of time to put together our Meat Loaf jar. So, let’s shake this up and see what we can get! NC: “Ladies and gentlemen,
Wolfgang Amadeus Meat Loaf!” Spoony: “How is it he managed to find a role even more demeaning than Bitch Tits?” Linkara: “Suddenly, his role in Spice World
is looking like a step up.” NC: “Just because you didn’t wear women’s clothing in Rocky Horror doesn’t mean you have a perfectly good excuse to wear it here.” Spoony: “We knew you were prostituting yourself to be in this movie, but you didn’t have to make it quite so obvious!” Linkara: “It’s midnight at the Lost and
Pray-to-God-Not-Found.” Spoony: “This movie sucks!” NC: Coulda used a lot more imagination on that one… Come on. Spoony: We were reaching the end of the break!
I panicked! Linkara: “Actually, they were just buying the clothes.
It just so happens Meat Loaf came with them.” NC: “Meat Loaf a day keeps the subtlety away!” Spoony: “I still like this movie better than
To Catch a Yeti.” Linkara: And finally… Spoony, NC and Linkara: ♪ I would do anything for Boll
But I will not act ♪♪ [cheering and applause]
NC: Thank you! Thank you! You’re so kind! [cheering and applause continues] NC: How’d you get in here? Spoony: Wait… Linkara: But ♪ Three Little Wings from school are we ♪♪ break in and try to bust her out. They, of course, have to fight off some dangerous foes. NC: “Woop…
Let’s turn you around here, buddy. There you go.” [stab] Spoony: They cut up the guards and break open the window to make Meat Loaf face everything under the sun. [glass breaking] [Leonid grunting and screaming] NC: Oh, how nice! He did the Colossus yell before he died. Linkara: So Rayne explains her backstory
(which was already explained) about how Kagan broke in and killed her mother. NC: (as Kagan) “Hey, come on! I’m Gandhi!
Don’t you want to say you got with Gandhi?” Spoony: One of the hunters in particular, named Sebastian, takes sympathy on her, as his parents were killed, too. Rayne: “My mother was killed before my own eyes.” Sebastian: “My mother and father were both killed…” Linkara: Well, that’s enough for me to start banging. NC: Wait a minute…what?! Linkara: Yup. The fact that they both have dead parents is reason enough to apparently make vampire whoopee. NC: How much screen time have they shared together? Linkara: Well, let’s see… [ding] A minute. NC: One minute together, and they’re fucking in a cage like horny canaries?! Linkara: Yup. NC: Where the hell did that come from?
That makes no friggin’ sense! Spoony: Oh, please! Who hasn’t just met a person in jail, talked for only a minute, confessed his parents are dead, and humped each other’s brains out in the middle of a half-open prison door? Spoony: I’m speaking hypothetically. Linkara: So as they train her to be a member of the Brimstone warriors, Billy Zane gets word of his daughter’s actions. Hey, here’s a fun game: count how many times Billy Zane blinks in every scene. [ding, ding, ding]
Elrich: “This land has become unsettled, Domastir… The future must be held in their hand and
[ding] vampire perfected. [ding-ding-ding] [ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding]
That is an invitation, by the way.” [ding-ding-ding] Spoony: That’s nothing…count how many times Michael Madsen pauses in-between every single line. Vladimir: “You’re an important part of the Brimstone society.” Spoony, NC and Linkara: Pause… “Your work”–Pause–“defending the fortress”–Pause–
“is essential”–Pause–“to our struggle and survival.” Pause–“And no one”–Pause… “…has ever questioned that.”–Pause… “You”–Pause–“are a leader…”–Pause–
“Rayne is a fighter…”–Pause… “I will take Sebastian”–Pause–“if it pleases you.” Spoony: Jesus! You’re making William Shatner look like the Micro Machines guy! NC: As the heroes go to get weapons for battle… Nothing but the best plastic non-sharp swords Toys-R-Us could buy… Linkara: Who would use plastic swords in the middle of a battle– Hmm…how’d this get in my hand? NC: We see Rodriguez has betrayed her clan and leads Kagan’s army into their village. Katarin: “Bargain for freedom, or leave your children motherless as a Brimstone martyr.” Woman: “Never!” [stab] NC: (as the woman) “Oh, my bad. I thought we were doing a slo-mo scene. Maybe I should have pulled that out at regular speed.” Spoony: Rayne goes after Rodriguez and fights her alone and defeats her while finding the other magic talisman. NC: She finally rides to confront Kagan. And…what’s her ingenious plan to get in without getting herself captured? Domastir: “Take her.” NC: Getting herself captured. I feel like she missed a step there… Spoony: But it’s okay, because Mullet 1 and Mullet 2 have an even better plan to get in without getting themselves captured… …getting themselves captured. Linkara: Has the film just given up? Not that it tried that hard to begin with… NC: So Rayne’s gonna be sacrificed with the talismans and make Kagan the strongest vampire in the world,
or some shit like that… Honestly, if you still care, you should up the dosage of whatever you’re taking. Priest: “Savage!” [slap] Linkara: (as Kagan) “How dare you strike my daughter, who I am about to kill!” Spoony: So this is where Michael Madsen does the weakest and stupidest attempt at the “guard sick man” escape routine I’ve ever seen in my life. Vladimir: “Thrall! My companion is gone!” “I don’t know what’s become of him.” Spoony: So the guy just walks in there looking for the magic disappearing prisoner, and of course, he gets knocked out. This delivery is so bad, I can’t even tell if it’s done intentionally badly or not. It’s amazing. How could anyone possibly believe a lie so poorly delivered? Vladimir: “My companion is gone!
I don’t know what’s become of him.” Spoony: (as Vladimir) “Guard, these pretzels are making me thirsty.” “I don’t know how I could have gotten so hungry.” Linkara: Sure enough, the two guys that got captured taking on all the castle guards suddenly have no problem taking on the exact same guards again. NC: Hey, it’s Uwe Boll. I’m surprised they cared enough to do it right in the first place. Linkara: Well, I guess Madsen felt the same. He gets captured, killed, and (following the theme of the movie) couldn’t give a rat’s ass. [stab] My God, man! You’re being stabbed!
Don’t you care?! Spoony: It’s like he’s barely awake. NC: What would it take to get an actual emotion out of this guy? [stab] [stab-stab] [gunshot] [multiple gunshots] [crunch] [thump] [explosion] Linkara: (as Madsen) Are we done? Spoony: After Sebastian gets stabbed as well, it’s down to Rayne and Kagan to duke it out in a swordfight with more dialogue than Monkey Island fencing. Kagan: “You’re strong, Rayne, but not skilled enough.” Rayne: “I would choose death over seeing you as my ruler.” Kagan: “You’re interfering with fate.” “Vampires shall rule the earth.” Rayne: “As if your interests are noble.” NC: I am rubber, you are glue… Linkara: Sticks and stones may break my bones… Spoony: I never did it in prison… I’m just saying…It…it’d never happen… Kagan: “For centuries we’ve been cursed in the shadows, slaughtered by the fearful.” Rayne: “You condemned me the day you raped my mother.” [slash] Kagan: “Ungrateful bitch…” NC: Touché? Linkara: Ungrateful for what? Spoony: Fuck YOU… Linkara: Rayne finally defeats him, and the battle is won. [bored] Yay. [Rayne and Kagan screaming and groaning] Spoony: (as Kagan) This role still had more dignity than…the Mandarin… Rayne: “Please…please… You don’t have to leave me!” Sebastian: “It’s my time.” “Kagan’s finished.” NC: (as Rayne) “But we had so much… Dead parents…jail door fucking…” Linkara: And then in a very bizarre ending, even for Uwe Boll, Rayne takes the throne and thinks of all the times blood has been spilt in the movie. Spoony: It does make me realize how many people apparently had red hoses buried in their bodies. NC: Yes, we have a minimal ONE minute for romantic chemistry, a whopping couple of seconds for most of the villains’ establishments, and yet over FOUR minutes of replaying all of the film’s goriest moments in slo-mo that we already saw before! Linkara: At least he has his priorities straight…? Spoony: We hope you see now why you should never leave your kids around Uwe Boll. NC: As if this movie wasn’t proof enough. If the Syfy Movie of the Week is too good for you,
then Uwe Boll is the one for you. Everybody else knows that his movies bite it, and this one is no exception. Linkara: His characters are flat, his writing ridiculous, and his stories never make any semblance of sense. Spoony: And the fact that it has little to nothing to do with the original source material makes it one of the most laughably bad adaptations ever. What else can you say but… Spoony, NC and Linkara: This movie SUCKS! NC: Well, thank you guys so much with helping me for another Uwe Boll review. Linkara: No problem.
Spoony: My pleasure. NC: Now GET OUT! Linkara: Fine. Why don’t you just fly away? Spoony: I can only do it once. [sigh] Malcolm: See? Was that so bad? NC: No…it was worse. Tamara: Well, what are you gonna do now? NC: I’m just gonna sit here and stare forward, thinking about the review I just watched hoping I can trick people into thinking I’m more artsy than I really am. Malcolm: All right… Tamara: Whatever does it for ya… [sinister music plays] NC: Wait a minute…I don’t remember doing that! [“The Three Stooges” theme plays again] Spoony: Like I said, Critic…
“Once a Stooge, always a Stooge!” Nyuk nyuk nyuk! NC: You knucklehead! ♪ [“The Review Must Go On” outro] ♪ Vladimir: “My companion is gone!
I don’t know what’s become of him.”

100 thoughts on “Bloodrayne – Nostalgia Critic

  1. Ah, Spoony and Linkara. When they still… well, existed. I mean Linkara still does reviews but they are like, as if I was listening to nothing. And Spoony is truly gone, off the deep end, that is.

  2. Never understood why this movie took place in… italy, was it, in medieval times? When all the Bloodrayne games take place in WW2.

  3. Should have been salt water, still kind of dumb but makes a bit more sense, salt is often portrayed as hurting evil things

  4. I saw this movie in theaters as a kid. I was super bored and thought of walking out. Then Meatloaf came on screen, I started laughing, and realized it was okay. That's how I learned to like movies so bad they're good.

  5. You might find it weird to know that I have this film on DVD. What's weirder is that the version on my DVD is missing a few of the gorier scenes you showed here. The scene at the end where Rayne sits on the throne and recalls all the bloody moments isn't in the film at all, it just zooms in on Rayne's face and then cuts to the end credits.

  6. "But all the water, all the buzz saws, and all the giant guards are no match for their final defense: a polite man who nicely asks her to come with him."
    That's my favorite part.

  7. Channel Awesome and Camse Corps present in association with Participant Media, thefyzz (half-British/half-American), Film4 (United Kingdom), BFI (United Kingdom), Screen Australia and Protagonist Pictures (United Kingdom) an ARD Degeto Film (Germany) / American Zoetrope / Arte France Cinéma / ARTE Deutschland TV GmbH (Germany) / BiM Distribuzione (Italy) / Faliro House (Greece) / Feelgood Entertainment (Greece) / Film i Väst (Sweden) / France 2 Cinéma / Page 114 (France) / Pathé (France) / Why Not Productions (France) / Westdeutscher Rundfunk (WDR) (Germany) / Radio Bremen (Germany) / Deutsche Columbia Pictures Filmproduktion GmbH (Germany) / Warp Films (United Kingdom) / Altitude Film Entertainment (United Kingdom) co-production with the participation of Canal+ (France), Ciné+ (France), France Télévisions and Arte France and the support of Centre national du cinéma et de l'image animée (CNC) (France), Aide aux Cinémas du Monde (France), Institut Français (France), Filmförderungsansalt (Germany), Deutscher Filmförderfonds (Germany), Film- und Medienstiftung NRW (Germany), Medienboard Berlin-Brandenburg (Germany), Eurimages and the MEDIA Programme of the European Union.

    "The Three Shmuckheads: BloodRayne Review"

    CAMSE CORPS – The leader of everything cartoons, anime, movies, speculative fiction (including fantasy, science fiction, horror, superhero fiction and apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic fiction), video games, 1980s/1990s nostalgia, electronic music, European cultures and Michael Jackson.

  8. I remember seeing this in theaters when it first came out. I was hyped because Bloodrayne was one of my favorite video games so I thought this would be a great idea. It was a horrible film had barely anything to do with the original source material so I went home disappointed. Even the second game was lack luster and quite a departure from the original design in my opinion, so the potential for this I.P. was sort of squandered in general. Such a wacky and badass concept for a character though. Blade meets Tomb Raider.

  9. July 2019 here. Why do these kinda good actors accept these terribly bad movies? I mean I know the money but to be like for life linked to this? Like Tim Robbins in Howard the Duck.

  10. Erm, Legacy of Kain did that whole "water's touch being as acid" in 1995 with Blood Omen!

    And responding to being blown up by drinking? Yeah, that seems about right!

  11. Critic: There's a… tradition
    Tamara: "Tradition?"
    Tevye (singing): TRADITIOOOOON! (tradition!)

  12. Hang on. I thought she was half vampire because her mother was killed by a vampire, but then they show she was already a child and watched it happen! How did that make her a vampire???

  13. Michelle Rodriguez is the female equivalent of Sean Bean at this point. I can't think of many movies she survives through.

  14. Oh, remeber the good old days, when that shit was just starting, when people could just gloss over Spoony trolling tranny on twitter and joke about it. Ah, thouse were the days.

  15. Funny thing, Ben Kingsley wasn't just paying an LSD tv, he enjoyed every second of it. He said in the interview he always wanted to act as that kind of over the top fuck off vampire overlord role.

  16. Why the fuck Udo Keer wasn't casted in proper movies? He's a geniunely good actor, but he's always casted in Z-movie shlock like this.

  17. Don't mind me, I'm stone drunk, this video is now my personal blog bitches, youtube will delete all of it in the morning anyway.

  18. I remember seeing this movie in the $5 DVD bin at Walmart. It came with the full first game on PC. I instead bout season 1 of the show reaper. It sucked, but not as much

  19. The acting and script are so terrible,rushed lines
    There was no difference in the capabilities of the vampires in the film and the humans. The scenes of combat always ended with some unrealistic blood spray and there were even scenes of a gang of soldiers lazily hacking at an impossibly still living body,This movie takes too long to develop. The script is weak, and does not generate interest
    Poorly written, it hardly reflects the game. The movie has none of the stunts or weapons Bloodrayne gets in the game

    Avoid every BloodRayne movie and buy Fright Night (1985) and Let me in

  20. I feel like though this has nothing to do with them and their resentment of their blood, Alucard would HATE this movie!

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