ANI: A Parody

ANI: A Parody

[mechanical breathing with music playing] Fode Voiceover: And they’re headed for the finish line. The dust is too thick, I can’t make out who it is. Wait… Who is it? It’s… It’s… Ani! Voiceover crowd: [chanting] Ani! Ani!
[mechanical breathing with music playing] [mechanical breathing, music ends] Excuse me? Lord Vader. Ani: Please, please call me… Ani! [audience laughs/cheers]
[applause] How you doin’? Fine. How are you? Oh, pretty good, can’t complain. Just looking out into space, you know? Thinking about the good old days That’s the thing about the good old days. You never know you’re in ’em, till they’re gone. So, what’s up? Your meeting with the Imperial Officers… Oh no, I got plenty of time before the- Oh cripes! I’m late! [Song: Ani] ♪ (There!) There he is. ♪ ♪ He isn’t like you or me. ♪ ♪ He’s a man. (Huh!) ♪ ♪ Just a man. (Huh!) ♪ ♪ And he’s better than you’ve ever seen. ♪ [indistinct muttering] ♪ (He!) He’s a hero ♪
[indistinct muttering] [indistinct muttering] ♪ The captain of the team. ♪
[indistinct muttering] Tarkin: Oh!
Motti: Oh my goodness!
♪ He is something so incredible. ♪ Tarkin: Oh, watch where you’re going!
Motti: Oh no!
♪ He is something so incredible ♪ ♪ And he’s being all he can be. ♪ ♪ You can look, but you can’t touch. ♪
(Oooooooooooooohhh) ♪ It is hard to believe. ♪
(Ooooooooohhh) ♪ ‘Cause he’s here, in the flesh. ♪
(Ooooooooooooooohhh) ♪ Finally… ♪ ♪ Ani! ♪ ♪ Ani! ♪ ♪ Ani! ♪ ♪ Ani! ♪ Ani: Hey, look at these guys. You know sometimes I get you guys confused? I’m just kidding, you guys are clones. But hey, if you guys are clones, how’d this one get so ugly? I’m kiddin’ again! You’re both beautiful. That’s the thing, I joke, but I love everybody. Say, do you guys like Star Wars jokes? Stormtrooper 1: Yeah, sure. Ani: Oh great! Well, I don’t have too much time; I’m on my way to a meeting, but I’m workin’ on a set of Star Wars knock-knock jokes. Like for example, knock-knock. Stormtrooper 1: Who’s there? Ani: Yoda. Stormtrooper 1: Yoda who? Ani: Yoda man. [Laughter] Stormtrooper 1: Oh, okay. Ani: You see what I did there? I made it sound like I said ‘you’re the man.’ It’s a double meaning! A humorous play on words, and… that’s where the comedy comes in. Hey, don’t worry about it, sometimes my jokes go over peoples’ heads. It makes sense, I’m a big guy, you know? Stormtrooper 1: Yeah… Ani: All right, I’ll see you later. ♫ Wait! ♫ ♫ Wait and see. ♫ ♫ It’s better than the movies. ♫ ♫ Watch him go. ♫ ♫ Go! ♫ ♫ Don’t you know? ♫
[indistinct muttering] [indistinct muttering] ♫ There’s more to him than you see. ♫ Tarkin: Oh! Oh!
Motti: Oh no no no!
♫ There’s more to him than you see. ♫ Motti: Very bad! Tarkin: Dangerous! Ani: Sorry about that guys. Hey do you guys like Star Wars jokes? Tarkin: I guess. Ani: Oh great! Knock knock.
Tarkin: Who’s there? Ani: R2D.
Motti: R2D who? Ani: No R2-D2! Gotcha!
Motti: Oh… Ani: I’ll see you later. ♫ Rock! ♫ ♫ Rock and roll! ♫ ♫ He’s the one that no one can control. ♫ ♫ Oh no. ♫ ♫ No! ♫ ♫ Let him go. ♫ ♫ How does he do it? No one knows! ♫ ♫ You can look, but you can’t touch ♫ ♫ It is hard to believe ♫ ♫ ‘Cause he’s here, in the flesh ♫ ♫ Finally! ♫ ♫ Ani! ♫ ♫ Ani! ♫ ♫ Ani! Won’t you realize we’re all rooting for you? (Ani!) ♫ ♫ Ani! We can’t wait any more I think we’re ready to GO! ♫ ♫ I think we’re ready to go…YEAH! ♫ ♫ Ani! ♫ ♫ Ani! ♫ ♫ Ani! ♫ ♫ Ani! ♫ ♫ Ani! ♫ ♫ I think we’re ready now… ♫ ♫ I think we’re ready to GO! ♫ [Cheering, applause] ♫ Music playing ♫ Motti: All right, Tarkin, I say we just start without him. Lord Vader is 25 minutes late already. Hmm. I suppose you’re right. Motti: Yes. Now, gentlemen. Today is a monumental day. As the Moff in charge of the program, I would like to extend my congratulations to each and every one of you on the completion of this fully operational battle station. Motti: Put her there, old boy. Now of course there are still a few kinks to work out, and we all know that we need to just settle on a name for this thing. God knows we can’t just keep calling it the Death Star. Motti: No.
[Laughter] Officer 2: Yes, it is a bit macabre. Tarkin: I agree. I do agree with you.
[Laughter] It’s also not a very family friendly name, either. Veers: Why, do you mean? Tarkin: Yes I do. You all know what I’m hinting at. I’ll be finishing up with the safety inspector momentarily and they’re finally going to be giving me clearance to bring your wives and children aboard! [pleasant chatter] Motti: Congratulations, old boy. There is a lot to celebrate and I do think you all deserve a big pat on the back. Motti: Well thank you, and there’s one for you. Ha ha ha. Now, I need to go sign a few last release forms, and I’ll be back with you shortly. Gentlemen. And, friends, I’d like to add, seeing as how a certain someone isn’t here, I don’t think any of us deserve to be choked, eh? Ha ha. Yes. I have always wondered, besides standing in the corner like this and choking us, what does Lord Vader actually do? I honestly couldn’t tell you. Well, I’ll tell you one thing. He’s not the personnel supervisor like he keeps saying. That’s me. He…he simply doesn’t belong in these meetings. He never offers any ideas, nor is he qualified to. Yes, and then there’s that thing about his religion. Ooh, you can’t talk about that. Veers: Oh…noooo
[Laughter] Even so, it is curious, isn’t it? It has something to do with…with…with Kyber crystals, is that right? It’s not very Christian. No…no. [Laughter] At any rate, we should all just be glad that he is not here now, so… Ani: Hi, you guys. I’m here. Motti: Oh. Ani: Sorry, I’m late. I got caught up doing, uh,… [Exhausted sigh] Work, you know? These personnel aren’t gonna just supervise themselves, am I right? You know you guys can just call me Darth Later.
[Ba dum tss] [Laughter] Alright, time for a meeting. Gonna talk about some important stuff. I like that. I like that a lot. I’m just gonna stand back here like this, make sure you guys stay on track. [Laughter] No screwing around. Okay, you can start. Thank you. Now, uh, gentlemen, there is one subject which is in urgent need of discussion, and that’s the glaring design flaw in our exhaust ports… Hey, aren’t you gonna ask me where I got my new cape? I’m sorry? Why don’t you ask me where I got my new cape? Uh, where did you… At the Darth Mall.
[Ba dum tss] [Laughter] Just thought I’d start the meeting out on the right foot with a joke. I know it’s a Sith joke, but you guys can still laugh. Not too hard now, not too hard. ‘Cause you know, it’s my religion. [Laughter] Okay, continue. Thank you. So, as I was saying, these exhaust ports are actually leaving us rather vulnerable, and— I just want to say something real quick. So I’ve heard through the old grapevine that some of you feel like I don’t contribute any ideas. Motti: Uh, well, I… It’s okay, we’re cool, no hurt feelings but, uh, I wanna show you that I’m part of the team, so I’d like to run an idea past you guys that I think you’re really gonna like. Oh, well, alright, Lord Vader, what is your idea? Okay, so today I’m flying around in my TIE Fighter coming into the docking bay when I realize what this battle station looks like. I mean, you guys have seen the Death Star from the outside, so you know what I’m talking about. What’s it look like? Officer 2: Uh…A moon? Veers: Or a sphere. A hooter. You know, a knocker. [Laughter] Motti: You mean… ….a breast?!! [Laughter] Yeah, a jug. It’s even got a little dark circle off the center like a nipple. Oh, well, well. I’m quite sure that was unintentional, Lord Vader. No, it’s a happy accident. Why not go with it? If we’re the first to acknowledge it, we’ll take the wind out of everybody’s sails. ‘Cause you know those Rebels are gonna see this thing and say, Hey! Look at that boob! The Empire’s a bunch of boobs. We can all imagine the kind of trash the Rebels are gonna talk, so let’s just say, yes, we are an evil empire but also, we’ve got a sense of humor. And what is your point, Lord Vader? Okay, okay okay, so you know how we’re building a second Death Star over at site B? Motti: Of course. Well I was thinking, once they’re both done, we take the two Death Stars, [Laughter] we latch them together to make a giant [Laughter] pair of tatties. [Laughter] And, uh, [Laughter] that’s my idea, so… Alright, all in favor of the proposal to turn the twin Death Stars into big breasts, please raise your hand. [Laughter] Ani: Hey, c’mon guys, don’t be shy. Hey, Veers, c’mon Veers. Listen, Lord Vader, I’m sorry, but it appears your proposal to turn a 30-year program of a most serious nature into a bit of potty humor, has been, well, rejected. You know what, you guys heard me out. You didn’t like the idea. You thought it was a dumb idea, so just, uh… forget it. Okay, we will. Now one little laser could kill us if it’s shot down these exhaust ports, I cannot str— But, why is it a dumb idea? What? To turn the Death Star into a giant boob? Yeah! Well, first of all, it’s a bit of silly nonsense, thank you! And secondly, I really don’t appreciate your decorum in these meetings, your arriving late, your constant interruptions. I guess what I’m trying to say is, could you please not come to these meetings anymore? I’m sorry, boys, someone had to say it. Wow. You just dropped a bomb on me, Motti. Okay, okay, I get it. I’m a joke. You guys hate me. But, uh, you know, I got something for you, Motti. Motti: That’s really unnecessary.
Ani: Oh no, you’re gonna love it, trust me. Motti: I’m not allowed to accept gifts as part of my positi– Ani: Oh, here it is.
[Choking noises] Here you go, how do you like it?
[Choking noises] What, are you guys feeling left out?
[Choking noise] Officers: No, no.
[Choking noises] Ani: No problem, I brought enough for everybody!
[Choking noises] [Choking noises] [Heavy breathing] Alright. Meeting adjourned! Motti: Jesus Christ! [Laughter] Officer 2: What a dick. [Laughter, Heavy breathing] Ani: Hey guys.
Officers: Woah! I just want to apologize real quick. I lost my temper back there. Shouldn’t have tried to Force-choke you guys. I mean, you guys are right. I’ve been, uh, silly, but, uh, you know what?
Officers: Uh-oooooh. I’m gonna come in tomorrow with some new ideas for you, serious ones this time, and a few new Star Wars jokes for you. Ani: But in the meantime, uh, I don’t know. Can I get anybody something to drink? How about some coffee? Hey, Veers, you want some coffee? Veers: Uh, yeah I’ll have a coffee.
Ani: Great. Officer 2: Uh, coffee’s all right for me Motti: Yes, I suppose a tea would be nice. Ani: How about some snacks? You know what, I’ll just bring chips for the whole table. Officer 2: Actually, could we have pretzels? Pretzels, right? Motti: Uh, yeah. Ani: Pretzels it is. Motti: Alright, thank you. [applause] Tarkin: I want to thank you for all of the good work that you’ve put in around here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to return to my meeting. Have a nice day. Oh! Ani: Sorry about that. That’s my fault. Hey, wait a minute. Tarkin. Moff Jeffrey Tarkin. There, old buddy, old pal. How in the heck are you? Yes, hello, Lord Vader. Please, please call me Ani. All my friends do. Alright. Ani. [Laughter] [Laughter] Ani. Would you terribly mind.. getting out of my way? You see, I’m returning to my meeting over there, and I… Oh no, you’re not. Yes, I am. I cannot be absent for the remainder of the meeting… You’re coming with me to get some coffee. Oh no, terribly sorry, but I really cannot be– Hey, Tarky, let’s go. Coffee time. C’mon. Alright, let’s do it very quickly. Ani: Alright! Oh, this is great. This is really great. So Moff, that’s a pretty funny name. That your first name? No, actually Moff is a title. It’s a rank, like captain or general. Yeah but has anyone ever screwed up and called you Muff Tarkin? You know like a muff. Ani: You know what a muff is, Tarkin?
Tarkin: Yes. [Laughter] It’s another word for female parts, if you catch my meaning. Yeah, I do, I do. Has anyone ever screwed up, and said that? Maybe like ‘Hey! Quit Tarkin all the muff!’ [Laughter] Has anybody ever done that? Yes, well, actually you’ve yelled that at me a number of times. [Laughter] Ani: You knew that was me?
Tarkin: Yes. Ani: Oh, Tarky, you’re great.
Tarkin: Oh! Love what we’re doing right now. Just a couple guys going to get some Java. Tarkin: Mmhmm. [Laughter] Hey, Tarky. What do you call a guy that drinks too much Java? Like he drinks so much Java he gets all fat like a slug and he can’t move? What do you call him? [Laughter] Yes, well, I think I know the punch line, but it’s so stupid I almost don’t want to say it out loud. [Laughter] You think you do, but c’mon, give it your best shot. Java the Hutt. [Ani laughing] [audience laughter] That’s way better than what I had. [Laughter] Say, you’re pretty good at coming up with Star Wars jokes. [Tarkin: Oh, thank you] Just another thing we’ve got in common. Hey, Tarky, knock-knock. Who’s there? Oh quiet! Here she comes. Ani: Who?
Tarkin: Her. [soft music begins] [Laughter] Tarkin: Emily. Ani: Well, which one is she? Tarkin: Good god, man, she’s the beautiful one. [Laughter] Ani: Oh, I see her. Tarky, you dog you, she’s a cutie. Tarkin: Yes, I know that. And she’s also smart and funny and forward-thinking and… [Laughter] won’t give me the time of day. Tell her you love her. You can never say it too much. I have hardly even spoken to this girl. That would be premature to say the least. Oh, I see you’re playing the old hard to get. I gotcha. Oh, they’re coming over here. Please pretend I’ve said something very humorous. Ani: Got it. Ani: Ha ha ha ha ha. You’re right the Death Star does look like a huge tit! [Music stops abruptly] [Laughter] Hey, ladies. Tarky was just telling me his idea to put two Death Stars together to make a giant pair of hooters. [Laughter] Pretty funny, huh? Emily: No, it’s actually gross and immature.
Tarkin: Yes. Oh, it’s not gross or anything, it’s just… I mean have you seen this thing from the outside? It’s got a nipple. Emily: That’s not a nipple! It’s a disruption ray generator; it’s where the planet-destroying laser shoots out. Ha! Didn’t even think about that. It’s like shooting milk [Shocked snort] [Horrified laughter] You’re a funny group of gals Emily: Pig. Stormtrooper 1: Pervert. Stormtrooper 2: Asshole. Hey, where you going? This guy likes ya. He’s the Casanova of Coruscant. He’s Tarkin all the muff. [Laughter] You son of a bitch, Tarky. I think she likes you. Way to go, Vader! Hey, no need to thank me. I…I… I was being sarcastic, you bloody wanker! [Laughter] You just made a fool of me in front of a very pretty girl. What are you talking about? I made it sound like the Death Star boobs thing was your idea. [Exasperated sigh] And you know why? ‘Cause we’re best friends. We are not best friends. You’re a big dummy, and I’m mad at you. [Laughter] Hey, Tarky. Where you going? I’m going back to my meeting, you big dummy! [Door slams] Ani… You used to be somebody. And now what are you? Just a… big……fat dummy. [Song: Long Ago and Far Away] ♫ Looking back ♫ ♫ Over the years ♫ ♫ Life was easy and everything was clear ♫ ♫ It’s been so long since I’ve felt that way ♫ ♫ It’s been so long since I’ve seen the light of day ♫ ♫ But I remember all the glory ♫ ♫ I remember all the fame ♫ ♫ I remember how it felt like it was yesterday ♫ ♫ Long ago and far away ♫ ♫ I used to know how to play the game ♫ [Sound of can opening] ♫ I was someone I am not today ♫ ♫ I wanna be remembered that way ♫ ♫ But that was long ago and far away ♫ [music continues under] Alright, let’s just pop in the old home movies. [Laughter] Let’s see what we got here. Oh, would you look at that? It’s the first day I met my wife. [From the video] Are you an angel? Are you an angel? That’s a pretty good line. Look at my hair back then. Mom used to put a bowl on my head and just cut around it. Yeah, I was a cutie. Qui-Gon, it’s that blood sample you sent me… the midichlorians are off the scale! Ani: What the hell is this? Screw you Obi-Wan! I just like to fast forward to the Jar Jar parts. [From the video] Mui mui, I love you! I love you too, J.J. Wherever you are. [Music comes up] ♫ Looking back ♫ ♫ On all the time we shared. ♫ ♫ We were young ♫ ♫ We didn’t have a care. ♫ [Sound of objects smashing]
♫ I wanted to grow up ♫ [Sound of objects smashing]
♫ Well I got my wish. ♫ ♫ I never thought that I’d end up like this ♫ ♫ But I remember all the glory ♫ ♫ When I was in the race ♫ ♫ How can I get back into first place? ♫ ♫ Long ago and far away (and far away!) ♫ ♫ I used to know how to play the game (play the game!)♫ [mechanical noises]
♫ I used to know how to play the game (play the game!)♫ ♫ I was someone I’m not today ♫
[mechanical noises] ♫ I wanna be remembered that way ♫ ♫ But that was long ago and far away ♫ Hey, guys, it’s me again. Y’know the trash compactor down on the detention level? Yeah, I’m stuck. [Applause, cheering] Loudspeaker Announcement: Code red. Emergency. Emergency.
[Sirens sound] Squad 7A report to deck B22. Code red.
[Sirens sound] Stormtrooper 2: Well, what do you think it is? Emily: Ah, probably another drill. *knock knock knock* Ani: Hey guys, that was quick. How you doing? Stormtrooper 2: Well, what is it, Lord Vader? Has there been a security breach? Ani: Oh, no, no nothing like that. Emily: Well, what’s the emergency, sir? Well, it’s not an emergency per se, but now that you guys are here, there’s a couple of things I want to run by you. You guys like Star Wars jokes, right? Stormtrooper 2: Uh, sure. You consider yourself proficient in the mythology of our universe? Stormtrooper 2: Uh, yeah, I’m a pretty big fan. Yeah, I guess you could say- Okay, great. ‘Cause sometimes I’ll be talking to these kids, and I’ll make a joke about Dash Rendar for example And they’ll look at me like I’m from outer space. Stormtrooper 2: Ha ha ha. That’s a good one, sir. Ani: Alright, knock it off, that’s not part of the set. Stormtrooper 2: Okay.
[Laughter] Ani: My jokes are about Jabba’s Palace. Okay. What’s the one thing Jabba asks for when he goes to a seafood restaurant? Stormtrooper 2: Uh… Ani: Bib for tuna.
[Ba dum tss] Bib for tuna. Oh, c’mon. Bib Fortuna? He works in Jabba’s Palace, he wears that dress, he goes, ooo wanna wonga. [Laughter] He’s got that big dick wrapped around his neck. [Laughter] Alright. Well his name is Bib Fortuna and if… If Jabba were to eat some tuna, he’s a sloppy guy, he’d need a bib. You know. It’s a double meaning. A humorous play on words and uh… That’s where the comedy comes in. [Laughter] Okay. When Jabba’s done eating, what do you think is left on his plate? Stormtrooper 2: Uh, I don’t know, sir. Ani: Not even a salacious crumb.
[Ba dum tss] Emily: What’s that? Ani: Salacious Crumb! He’s the little puppet that lives in Jabba’s flab rolls, he goes ehehehehe… [Laughter] [Laughter] Well, his name is Salacious Crumb… You know what, forget it. Stormtrooper 2: How would you even know that? [laughter] Jesus Christ. I thought these jokes would slay, but you guys don’t know dick about Star Wars. You know, I got one last joke about Jabba’s Palace but uh… I don’t think I’m gonna tell it. It might be a bit too… Rancorny.
[Ba dum tss] [Laughter] Officer 1: And here is where you’ll be staying. Ani: What’s going on here? Oh. You’re still here. Of course I’m still here. It’s the Sith lounge, I live here. Officer 1: I’m so sorry. Mara: That’s okay I’ll just go– Officer 1: No. I’ll handle this. Lord Vader. We’ve been trying to call you all morning. I don’t quite know how to put this but… The Emperor has decided to take the role of his apprentice in a new direction. [sad music starts playing] What? If you like, we could say you became ill. Well, who the hell is this? Oh. This is Mara Jade, top Imperial assassin. And… the Emperor’s new apprentice. [sad music stops] Hey. Nice to meet you. Mara Jade, huh? Never heard of you. Really? You must not know dick about Star Wars. [Laughter] Um. Dark Vader, is it? Dark… Dark Vadder? Just call me Ani. Ani… Right. Wow. Ani. You’re leaving me with some pretty big shoes to fill. Is that some kind of joke, huh? You trying to patronize me? ‘Cause I’m a failure that nobody likes? ‘Cause I’m a big, fat loser that’s never been good at anything? Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, jeez. Huh. I think you’re the one beating yourself up, buddy. I mean… Come on. You had to have been good at something like uh… Uh, aren’t you pretty good with like, your little light-up sword? [Laughter] No. Not really.
[Mara: Okay.] To tell you the truth I lost about every lightsaber battle I ever had.
[Mara: Alright.] The only time I actually won anything was against a bunch of kids. [Laughter] But that was a really close call. Those were some nimble younglings. Could have gone either way. But, uh, didn’t you help hunt down and destroy the Jedi? Nope. Clone troopers did most of the work on that one. Mara: Okay. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I butchered my fair share of defenseless Sand People. Then I cried about it. [Laughter] I also choked my pregnant wife to death. I cried about that too. Eww. Ani. I would’ve rather not known any of that. You were way cooler as a mystery, and now I think you’re kind of, like, like a puss-wad. [Laughter] You know what I mean? Like… a big wad of puss. Sorry. You know Mara, you’re spot on. You’re gonna make a great hand for the Emperor. Thanks. Um, so I don’t know how this works exactly. I don’t know if you should probably just go…. Or if you think the Emperor will want me to, like, kill you, you know to take your place? What do you think? He might have you cut my head off, but he’d make you think that it was your idea. See that’s how he works, in mysterious ways.
[Mara: Okay.] You think you’re making your own choices but really you’re just a pawn in his grand schemes. And that’s unfair. Because I was supposed to be the greatest Jedi ever. I would even learn to stop people from dying! Mara: Eww. Ugh, Ani. Don’t do that voice. That’s gross. Ani: Sorry. It’s just been so hard for me ever since I… lost my one true love. Mara: Oh, what was her name? Ani: Who? No, no I’m talking about my one true love… Podracing. [laughter] Mara: So you’re, like, really into podracing or something? Cool. Ani: Oh honey.
[Music begins] You ever heard of a little race called the Boonta Eve Classic of ’33? Mara: No, I haven’t… ‘Cause I’ve been living under a rock on Endor. Duh! Of course I’ve heard of it. It’s only the most important podrace in all of history. Well, I’m not one to brag but, uh… I won that race. (whispered) Bullshit! [Laughter] You’re…that…Ani Skywalker?! I thought you were just some guy, but this guy! Uh, this guy changed podracing forever! I mean everyone said that only a CGI cartoon could win the Boonta Eve. [Laughter] But you, you proved everyone wrong! I guess I did, didn’t I? Ani Skywalker! Ani Skywalker! I must be dreaming. Oh my god! I have your trading card. [Laughter] Would you sign this for me? Wow, okay, sure. Oh my gosh. This is wild. I’m losing it over here. Ani: There you go. Ani Skywalker. Perfect. Can I have a hug too? Ani: Get over here, c’mon.
Mara: Okay! What happened to you, man? When I was a kid, I would go to the Boonta Eve every year. And I had some stupid fantasy that Ani Skywalker would pull up to the starting line for just one more race. Why’d you quit? I didn’t quit per se, I… I guess I got swept up in the whole Clone Wars thing. I’m sorry, the Clone Wars? They were boring and shitty. [Laughter] You, you were living the dream! I mean, why would you give that all up for this bogus government job? Well, you’re one to talk. What are you doing here then? This is just to pay the bills. Ani. What I really wanna be… is a slave girl! [Laughter] At Jabba’s Palace. Ani: You’d be great for that. Oh, I don’t know. I mean, Jabba’s not gonna enslave just anyone. He usually goes for like princess shit, so I just figured Emperor’s Hand is my foot in the door, you know. Hey, Mara. Take it from an old spectator, Life is not a spectator sport. You’ll take this cushy job and before you know it you’ll wake up one day and you’ll realize… You’re 56 years old, you’re more machine than man, and you let your dreams jump to lightspeed without you. I say forget this Sith shit! Go to Tatooine. Do what you love. You know what? You’re right. You’re right! I’m outta here! I’m out of this big tit. Atta girl! Hey Ani? Why not take your own advice? What? The next Boonta Eve is in five days. I betcha that’s enough time to fix up your old pod… get the pit crew back together, and win the hell out of that race, Ani! No. It’s, it’s too late for me. Besides… Podracing is a young man’s game, isn’t it? That’s what they say. They also said a little eight-year-old made of midichlorians didn’t belong on the track. [Laughter] So, what do you say, Ani? You coming with me or what? Well I dunno, I got a lot of chores to do and meetings to go to… Plus I had to get someone coffee like two days ago… And uh… SURE! Yeah!! [Applause, cheering] Officer 1: Mara Jade! Lord Vader! Where are you going? Wesa going home! Officer 1: No! [Cheering, applause] [Music Stops] Emily: Alright, you’re clear for docking. Engaging tractor beam. [Romantic Music Plays] [stutters] [breathes into hand to smell breath] [clears throat] Emily: Oh! Uh, sir
Tarkin: Oh! Oh excuse me! Didn’t see you there. Emily, was it? Emily: Yes, sir. Do you remember… Tarkin. Moff Jeffrey Tarkin. Emily: Uhh… Yes, Sir… You’re kind of in charge of the entire battle station, Sir. Everybody has to know who you are. Indeed. Emily: Can I… do something for you, Sir? Tarkin: Oh! Me? No. Actually… I wanted to apologize to you for the other day. That whole… Death Star… boob… thing… Which was actually not my idea. It was Lord Vader’s idea. He’s immature, not me. Emily: I’m sure, Sir. Tarkin: Yes… I don’t even pay attention to that kind of thing. I don’t even like boobs. I MEAN- [Laughter] I like your boobs. I MEAN!- Oh dear! Emily: Can I be excused, Sir? I’ve got to go stand in this line because the Emperor is coming. Tarkin: The Emperor? Is coming here?
[romantic music stops] Emily: I just gave him docking clearance. Oh my! I need to go! Thanks for the chat. You’re lovely. I mean, it was lovely. I mean, OH DEAR! [laughter] Motti: And over here, we have our state-of-the-art motherboard, which of course can control anything from lowering the docking bay doors to shutting down the trash compactor on the detention level. Um, Emperor, is everything all right? We’re gonna paint these walls, right? [laughter] Uh, would you like us to paint them? It’s just that everything is so gray. Where’s all the color? Yes, uh, of course sir, we’ll assemble a team and get painting straight away. What are these floors made out of? Um, linoleum? See, I had specifically asked for hardwood floors. It’s like, if you’re gonna go through all the trouble to make a battle station the size of a moon, are you really gonna start cutting corners like this? Yes, well, forgive us, I suppose we were more focused on making everything operational. It’s operational, but is it comfortable? Motti: Well… [nervous laughter] This place is just nothing like what I had imagined. All I can say is, thank God for Site B. We’re making another one. Get that one right. Motti: Yes, sir.. yes, sir. Well, if you’ll follow me to the observation deck perhaps I can change your mind, eh? Are these fluorescent lights? Yes. Pappy: Okay, okay. That’s why everybody looks sick. Tarkin: Excuse me! Who allowed this handsome young man aboard my battle station— Why, it’s the Emperor! [laughter] Pappy: Jeffrey!
Tarkin: Hahaha Pappy: Jeffrey Tarkin!
Tarkin: Emperor Palpatine! Pappy: Oh please, please, you call me Pappy! [Laughter] All my friends do! Wow Pappy, you sure gave me a fright! I had no idea you were coming for a visit! Surprise! And hey, I’ve got more good news. I cleared out my whole schedule and I’m gonna stay until Life Day.
Tarkin: Huzzah! I hope you don’t mind taking care of an old man for a whole week. Not at all, Pappy, not at all. Stormtrooper 2: Excuse me, Moff Tarkin? Not now. Can’t you see I’m speaking with the Emperor? Stormtrooper 2: Yes, but Sir, the….., uh, okay… Jeffrey, I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve been doing recently. You know, you’ve been a huge help in more ways than you know. In fact, you’re the kind of man I could see becoming Grand Moff in the near future! Grand Moff? Me? Grand Moff Tarkin! Well, if everything goes okay until Life Day, then the promotion is as good as yours! Well, thank you, Sir! Thank you very much for your confidence! But it’s really my team who have done all the good work around here! Pappy: No. No, Jeffrey. [laughter] This battle station has a ways to go. What I’m talking about is how you’ve been such a good friend to my Ani! Ani always tells me you and he are best friends! He tells me everything! Everything? Well, I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday morning. [stage whispers] I’m kind of avoiding him a little bit. Oh thank heavens! I mean, uhm–Why, sir? I may or may not have taken on a new apprentice. It’s nothing serious. I’m not trying to replace Ani. If things work out with Mara, eventually I’ll have her cut his head off. But for now he’s got nothing to worry about! She’s just here to help with some of his responsibilities. Speaking of which… How’s Ani doing in the meetings, huh? Is he keeping you knuckleheads on track? Tarkin: Of course! Why, we just love having Ani in the meetings! Why just the other day, he made a very interesting proposal , and I— [Pappy laughs] [Laughter] What’s funny, Sir? I’ve got a confession to make. So I know Ani’s been having a rough time recently. He doesn’t make friends very easily. Thinks you guys don’t respect him. Veers: Why, that’s absurd.
[laughter] Pappy: Right! So I told him that I had originally designed the Death Star to look like a big booby! And I said: “Hey Ani, wouldn’t it be something, if once both the Death Stars are done, we latched them together to make a big pair of Yobbos?!” [Laughter] And he got all excited. And I told him he should bring it up in the next meeting! And I knew it wouldn’t hurt, ’cause I’m planning on doing that anyway once they’re both done! Tarkin: Oh! You are?! Pappy: Of course! That’s phase two! So… How did it go, huh? Did Ani get a big boost of confidence? [Awkward Laughter] Actually- That proposal was… [nervous laughter] …rejected. [Dramatic Note] What? Who didn’t like the idea? I don’t know, I wasn’t even in the room when it happened. Pappy: Alright. How ’bout you bozos, huh? Which one of you didn’t like my idea?! Veers: It was Admiral Motti, Sir!
Motti: What? No! Now, you will die. Em-Emperor, please.. [lightning noises and electrocution noises]
[wailing in the throes of death] Alright, now where’s Ani? I got a surprise for him! It’s a Star Wars Lego! Tarkin: Haha!! Pappy: Yeah I saw it in the Toys R Us on Coruscant and I thought, ‘Hey, that’s for Ani.’ Tarkin: [laughs] Yes Pappy: Look at it, it’s pretty cool! Tarkin: Sure is. Pappy: It’s got a little Luke and a little R2. Pappy: And a little, uh, Jek Porkins…? I don’t know who that is. So do you think it’s good? Or ehrr.. Or do you think Ani might be a little too old for Lego bricks? Tarkin: Sir, nobody is too old for Lego bricks! Veers: Why I would say…
[audience cheers] Pappy, I would say he’s one lucky kid. Pappy: Okay good! ‘Cause I think it’s cool! Alright, well go and get him! Go and tell him that Pappy’s here! Tarkin: Right away, Sir. You there! Go and fetch Lord Vader for us please. Stormtrooper 2: [whispers] That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Sir… Lord Vader has run away!
Tarkin: What?!? Pappy: Jeffrey… Is everything okay over there? Yes, Sir. Everything’s fine. Thank you. Alright, I’ll be over here not listening to you. [audience laughs] What do you mean, ‘run away’?!? Stormtrooper 2: I don’t know! He said something about going home, and then he made a joke that… I didn’t get. [audience laughs] But I think it had something to do with him podracing again! Podracing? At his age? That’s preposterous; he’d kill himself. Uuuuuuuooohhh! [audience laughs] Pappy wouldn’t like that… [Stormtrooper 2 gasps.] Pappy wouldn’t like any of this! Why if he finds out that we lost Ani on my watch… He’ll electrocute me to death with lightning, or worse– I’ll lose that promotion. [Stormtrooper 2 gasps.] No! [laughter] Stormtrooper 2: What are you going to do, Sir? There’s only one thing I can do. Say, Pappy! Pappy: Yes? You know what I think? I think that Ani would love it if you put together that set of Lego bricks yourself and then gave it to him when it’s finished. But doesn’t Ani want to put it together? That’s the fun of Lego bricks! No, no, no. Ani likes to have a completed set. Pappy: Huh? And then to take it apart. [confused noise] And… then to.. put it back together again… You know Ani, he’s such a tinkerer. Pappy: (laughs)That’s my Ani! [Tarkin sighs in relief] Well, if you think that’s what he’d like . then heck I’ll go for it How exciting for me! [Legos fall noisily from box to floor] Oh my! Look at all the pieces! Tarkin: Huzzah. Veers: Jeffrey! Have you gone mad? You know Ani hates it when other people touch his Lego bricks! You’re asking to get force choked. Yes yes, I know that. But this is a distraction. Don’t you see? [music begins] While the Emperor is busy putting together that set of Lego bricks I’ll go and find Ani and I’ll bring him back to the Death Star before the Emperor even notices that he was gone. Now this will only work if he does it alone! So… No matter how fun that set of Lego bricks looks, nobody helps him. And that’s an order! Veers: Yes, Sir! Tarkin: You there!
Stormtrooper 2: Yes, Sir? Tarkin: Go and fetch me the first pilot that you can find! Stormtrooper 2: Right away!
Tarkin: Thank you. If Ani’s gone back home that means he’s… returned to Tatooine. So that’s where I’m headed. And nothing is going to trip me up! Emily: Reporting for duty, Sir! Tarkin: Emily! Emily: I hear you need a ride to Tatooine. So you’re the first pilot that they found. What are the chances of that?! Um. Yes… Well… I look forward to riding you to Tatooine— I MEAN! Uh! [audience laughs] You’ll ride me to Tatooine— I MEAN— Uh. OH DEAR! [more laughter and cheers, applause] [music changes] Stormtrooper 2: We are now approaching the surface of Tatooine. Begin docking procedure into the space port at Mos Eisley. [docking noises] Ani: Alright, Mara, you just stick with me! Mara: Okay Ani: I’ll show you the ropes. I grew up on the mean streets of Tatooine. Gotta watch yourself… a lot of crazy characters around here. [Song: Strike Back] ♫ I’m back on track ♫ ♫ Ready for the world to come at me ♫ ♫ I’m stepping up to bat ♫ ♫ Not gonna let anything get past me ♫ ♫ I’ve got my eyes on the prize ♫ ♫ Gonna do what’s right ♫ ♫ Take what’s mine! ♫ ♫ Strike back! ♫ Ani: Hey, look at these guys! Clark: Ani? Well I’ll be. Fellas, look! Ani’s back. Ani: Hey, don’t let me interrupt, keep going! Mara: You know these guys? Ani: Of course, the old Cantina band! I swear they get better and better every year. Say, can I bum a smoke? ♫ Five… Four… Three… Two… ♫ ♫ One chance! ♫ ♫ Is all you get to show the world your best ♫ ♫ You better make the most of it, you gotta go for it ♫ ♫ No one’s gonna do it for you ♫ ♫ No one’s gonna hold your hand, you gotta understand♫ ♫ Enough is never enough!♫ ♫ Strike back! ♫ Ani: So you guys like Star Wars jokes? Clark: You know it! Ani: Ah, great! So today I’m talking to a group of Tusken Raiders and I say, ‘Wow! Those banthas must be pretty tough to take care of.’ They say, ‘Tell me about it! They shit about 12 times a day!’ I say, ‘Don’t tell me you guys count dooku.’ [audience laughs] Clark: I don’t get it, Ani. Ani: Well, c’mon, Count Dooku was a Sith Lord in the Clone Wars. And Dooku kinda sounds like dookie, which is another way of saying poop. It’s a double meaning. A humorous play on words and… that’s where the comedy comes in. Clark: Yeah, I understand. I just don’t get why it’s funny. [audience laughs] Ani: Weren’t you singing a song or something? Clark: Oh yeah. [music builds] ♫ ‘Cause you gotta face your fears ♫ ♫ You gotta fight for what you believe in ♫ ♫ Forget about your tears ♫ ♫ ‘Cause it’s time for you to do something ♫ ♫ Strike baaaaaaaaack! ♫ ♫ Strike baaaaaaaaaaack! ♫ ♫ Strike back!♫ [music ends] [audience applauds/cheers] Ani: Hey, how’s it going, guys? Hey wait a minute. Who’s touching my butt? [Sand Person yell]
MRRRR!!! MRRR MRRR MRRRHHHH!!! [audience laughs] [more laughter and a few cheers] Ani: I hate that guy. Mara: Eeew, loud. Bob: Ani?!? Oh my god! Ani Skywalker?! You fat bastard, come here! Ani: OHHHHH! Bobby Fett! How in the heck are ya? Why, I haven’t seen you since that day in the arena? Remember this? When Mace Windu gave your pops the ol’ shave and a haircut? Bob: Oh ho ho, yeah! Those were some good times! Hey, how is old Mace nowadays? Oh, Pappy and I threw him out of a window years ago, Bob. [audience laughs] You shoulda been there, it was a hoot and a half. Bob: Ani, Ani, you are looking good, my friend! What brings you back to these parts, huh? Ani: Well, Bob, you’re going to think I’m crazy, but uh… the Boonta Eve’s coming up and— Bob: Oh yeah! You need tickets, right? Listen, you call me. I’ll get you the best deal on box seats. You… Aaaaand your lady! Ani: No, Bob, its not like that. I mean, my wife’s dead, but uh. She’s not gone, ya know? Bob: Oh yeah? You sure about that? You been feeding her the old lines? Hey, this guy call you an angel? Mara: No, no, we’re just friends. Ani: Yeah, we’re just friends! I’m old enough to be her father-in-law. You know, Mara’s…
[audience laughs] actually interested in becoming a slave girl at Jabba’s Palace. You know, Bob works for Jabba. Really? Could you get me an audition? I mean, just kidding–but like, could you? Bob: Yeah yeah, I’ll see what I can do. Now, Ani! These tickets, man! Ani: Won’t be needing them, Bob. I was actually thinking about… ….entering. [music twinkles in] Racin’ again. Bob: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! This guy! This guy always with the jokes! Hey, Ani, what was that joke about the wampa? I never understood it, but wampas are funny to me. Ani: It’s no joke, Bob, I’m serious. I really wanna do this. Look, I’m not lookin’ to win or anything. I just wanna be in a pod again. Bob: Alright, alright. Hey, you uh… you take care of yourself, alright? If you ever need anybody bounty hunted or disintegrated, you call me! Okeeday? Ani: Okeeday, Bobarino. Bob: Alright, bring it in here, Ani! And, uh, Ani old pal, here’s fifty bucks. Ani: Oh, Bob, I can’t take this! Bob: Ani, Republic credits are no good here, you know that. Take the money! Ani: Well thanks, Bob. Bob: Alright, y’all take care now. [jet pack noises] Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… [audience cheers] That’s Bob, he’s a little rough around the edges, but he’s a softie. Mara: Yeah. Ey! Ey! Ey! You! You! You! You think you can bring your sorry butt back around here and the threes of us wouldn’t hear about it? I DON’T THINK SOO! UGHGUGH Sorry, pal! [audience laughs] Hey, guys, I don’t know you, but I’m not looking for a fight or anything. [indignant yammering] SHAADDUP! [audience laughs] Now make way. Make way! For the Master of Disaster! Oh no! Not him. Gangsta: Talkin’ ’bout the Harbinger of BOOM! (shakalaka) It’s my greatest enemy. The podracing champ of the galaxy! SEBULBA!
[rattlesnake sounds] [audience cheers, applauds] [Sebulba and gang laugh] Okay, okay, I get it. I put on a few pounds, so what? Mara: Ani, that’s your greatest enemy? Oh, yeah without a doubt He’s just a weird little thing. He’s not a thing. He’s a Dug! A particularly dangerous Dug named Sebulba. You want me to explain what just transpired between us? You see- Mara: I-I got it. Ani: Oh, you speak Dug?
Mara: I speak Bocce. Ani: Well there you go, it’s very similar to Dug.
Mara: Yeah! So we’re cool to just talk and.. everybody will understand everything. YEAH, BOI!” Ani: Okay , great!
Mara: Yeah! Mara: Oh yeah? Well let’s just see who wins the Boonta Eve THIS year, buddy! [muttered shock and amusement] Settle down! I’m not looking for a fight or anything, I just want to compete. Besides, you and I both know the chances of me winnin’ this thing are one in a million. [audience laughs] Um, in your dreams, pal, in your dreams. Yeah, don’t talk to her like that! Mara: We will take you on right now, Selbulba! We’ll take on you and you and—! NO! Mara, not here! [audience laughs and cheers] They’ve got the high ground. [Sebulba and audience laugh] [Sebulba and gang laugh] [Sebulba laughs, the gang makes hissing noises, audience laughs too] Sebulba’s Gang: YEAH! Haha! Yeah! YEAH! [audience laughs] Don’t listen to ’em, Ani! Why? He’s right. I’ll never fit in my old pod again. But it’s not ’cause I got fat! It’s ’cause I was eight the last time I raced! Mara: Yeah! Of course I’m not going to fit! I knew that going in! I’m going to have to make it… bigger. Well, I could help you with that, and I can stay and help you train! No, no, Mara! You go to Jabba’s Palace. You do what you came here to do. I’d wish you luck, but.. You don’t need any. [Mara sighs] I’m the one that needs all the luck. Thanks, Ani. Hey, Ani! Are you sure you’re gonna be okay? Absolutely! I looked into an old friend of mine. He’s living on Tatooine now. He’ll be all the help I need. He’s the best friend I ever had. And the funniest guy I ever met. [ominous music quietly begins] [audience aws and laughs, JJ sniffs and cries] [audience laughs] Ahhh! [more laughter] [JJ cries] [laughter] [audience makes sympathetic sounds] [choking noise] [urgent knocking] [music stops abruptly] Uhhh, exsqueeze mesa! [laughter] Mesa busy! [laughter] [ominous music begins again] [laughter] [urgent knocking]
[music stops] God damn it! [audience laughs] Mesa told you! Mesa don’t have any more money! JJ!!! Oh! Ani!? Ani!!!! Ohwoo! Mesa slip in icky poo! ugh! Ah, stop it, JJ! You’re killin’ me! Come ‘ere. Ani, what is yousa doing here? The Boonta Eve, that’s what. I’m racing again. JJ: Yousa racin’? Yeah, but I can’t race without my old pit crew, can I? Ah, your old pit crew. [gasps] Mesa! Of course! I don’t know, Ani… Oh come on! It’s going to be great, just like the good ol’ days. We’ll fix up my old pod, we’ll do some training, run laps around the Pit of Carkoon. You can goof up and chase around those little pit droids. Remember that? Yeah Ani: Hit the nose! You remember? [JJ laughs] That was classic. JJ: Yeah. We’ll finally topple Sebulba once and for all. [JJ sighs.] Ani: What’s that?
JJ: Huuuhh? Wha? Looks like a noose. A noose? No! Mesa hangin’ a piñata. Ani: A piñata, huh?
JJ: Uh-huh! Ani: From a noose?
JJ: Yeah! Ani: What’s this? Oh no, Ani. You should not be reading that– ‘Goodbyesa, cruel world’ –What? [laughter] ‘Can’t take anymore disappointboys.’ ‘Mesa whole life is one big…boomdeeasta’? JJ, say it ain’t so! You weren’t really considering this were you? It’sa better than living like this, Ani. This ain’t no life! Mesa gonna do the whole world a favor! [Audience: oooohhhhh!] JJ…. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What about all the people that love you? [disbelieving laugh]
[Audience laughs] Nobody loves mesa. Everybody HATES mesa! They say terrible things about me, terrible things! They be saying that mesa stupid… that mesa annoying. Everybody says that mesa ruined dis whole universe. [audience laughs and applauds] Ani: BUT THAT’S NOT TRUE! I mean you were a war hero! You were a senator for crying out loud! Why you were the guy that voted Pappy supreme power! There probably wouldn’t be an evil empire if it weren’t for you! Mesa know, mesa know! And what thanks does mesa get? Nothing! What’s the last thing you ever did for ol’ JJ, huh? Alright, JJ, just put the vodka down. NO! This i’ mine! [audience laughs] I’m just trying to help you. Ah, you wanna help mesa? Heh, now you wanna heeelp mesa! Well! Where was yousa when mesa was being chased around by MOBS, huh? When mesa was being ridiculed on the INTERNET?! [audience laughs] JJ: Yousa owe me!
Ani: Oh yeah? I owe you? JJ: Yeah!
Ani: Why? Why do I owe you? Mesa freeing you from slavery, mesa fightin’ a robot army for ya! No, I saved YOU from the robots! Mesa… hung from a TANK for you, Ani! JJ, sit down! No! [audience laughs] I wanna say somethin’. This is comin’ from the heart. I’m disappointed in you. And yousa used to be somebody. The funniest guy I ever met! Why you’re the whole reason I got into Star Wars comedy in the first place. And now look at you. So nobody loves you? How can they love you if you don’t love yourself? JJ, you’re full of shit. Yousa full of shit. [audience laughs] JJ: Yousa full of shit! Yousa got icky poo in your brain, okeeday? You know, is that why ya came here, huh? Ya came here to fight me? No… no. Da faaamous showdown. Da Jedi versus the Gungan! JJ, come on! Okay, one thing you can know about a Gungan… we famous for… sneak attack. [audience laughs] Pretty good move, Master Jedi! But let’s see if you can dodge the same thing [kiss noise] twice? Ani: Knock it off!
JJ: Uaaahhhh! JJ: Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuhhhhh! Look what you’re making me do! Uh ho! OH boy! Ani? Can mesa have some money? All ya had to do was ask, JJ. JJ: Oh!
Ani: Here. Ani: It’s fifty bucks.
JJ: Ah! Ani: It’s all I got on me. JJ: Yousa sure?
Ani: I’m sure. Yousa check your pockets.. [audience laughs] JJ: Wait! Wait! Ani!.. Because… there could be money in there, you see? [audience laughs] Listen, JJ. I’ll be training for the Boonta Eve down in Beggar’s Canyon. If you’d stop by… it’d mean a lot. Yeah… okay, okay, Ani. Maybe… Maybe… [music ♫♫♫♫♫] [music stops] There you are! Tarkin! What are you doing here? Ani! You have some serious explaining to do. Well I can explain everything. The reason I came back- Tarkin: Yes yes yes. I know. Everyone from Mos Eisley to Mos Espa is talking about it. You want to race in the Boonta Eve? HAH! Not gonna happen, let’s go! But I! Ani! [sigh] Ani… if you don’t return to the Death Star with me immediately, Pappy is going to be very upset with you. Well who cares what Pappy thinks?!? I’m sick of letting him run my life. Until he finally teaches me how to stop people from dying–like he promised– I’m not listening to Pappy anymore. [Tarkin stutters] Look, Ani… I know that you feel like you need to do this… But you’re not the man that you once were. And the Boonta Eve?!? It’s the most dangerous race in the entire universe! I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. If you get behind the thrusters of a pod again, you will die. Well if I cannot race a pod then I am dead already! Ugh… What? You’re not dead already. You’re simply too old to race! That’s life, Anakin. Look, you did something great once, and people loved you for it. But it’s over now. You peaked. Tarkin: Let’s say you do race again, hmm? But.. you do a bad job? You lose! Well, then all of those fans who loved you… you’ll become a joke to them! You’ll prove that you weren’t talented. You’ll prove that you were lucky. That’s how you’d end things… not as a winner, as a loser. Let me tell you something. [inspiring music begins] Before my first Boonta Eve, I was a nobody. Everything I had, I put in that race, and I came out on top. And yeah… maybe I stumbled into it, maybe I was lucky… But ain’t I got a right to find that out for myself? Am I going to be so scared of what other people think that I’m not even gonna try? So if I got a reputation… if I got anything worth losing… It’s because I had the guts to try. Ani… what you’re trying to do… you cant do it alone… Who’s going to help you? Hmm? JJ: Mesa. Dat’s whosa. Ani: JJ? Ani… mesa been doin’ da big tinking. Mesa heard all those terrible things I was sayin’ to ya and… mesa think… EGAD! What is mesa sayin’! Ani… JJ was thinking that he was all alone! But then you showed up! And that’s why I’m gonna help you win dis race, because mesa love you, okeeday? Mui mui! I love you! Mui mui! Hahah! [Both cry together] Stop it. [crying continues] Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT! [music stops and audience laughs] But I like that– STOP IT! [applause, cheers] Have you both gone mad? I tried being reasonable with you. I really did. But you have left me with no choice. Lord Vader… I order you to come back to the Death Star with me and just be… well just be… miserable… for the rest of your life. Fine. Fine. [music resumes] I’ll try and help you win that race. Aw, Tarky, you mean it? Of course I do! Ani: Yes! The team’s all here! Ani! JJ! Tarky! That girl! Everyone, hands in on three! Emily: What are we saying? Tarkin: I haven’t the faintest. On three! One! Two! Three! Ani and JJ: Hit the nose! Tarkin: Oh, hit the nose! Emily: What does that mean? It means the good ol’ days. They’re back, baby! Yippee! [Song: With My Own Eyes]
♫ This is the beginning ♫ JJ: [spoken] Oh! Ani, look at those moves! ♫ I’m coming back to life ♫ JJ: [spoken] Now, we’re doing it! ♫ It feels like something’s comin’ ♫ ♫ And it’s gonna be alright ♫ ♫ You don’t have to worry ♫ ♫ There’s no need to cry ♫ ♫ You don’t have to hurry ♫ ♫ Because I’ve seen the light ♫ ♫ I’ve seen it with my own eyes ♫ ♫ Ooh ahh ohh ♫ ♫ I’ve seen it with my own eyes ♫ ♫ Ooh ahh ohh ♫ ♫ Something deep inside of me ♫ ♫ I don’t know, but I can’t turn it down ♫ JJ: [spoken] Whoa! Boba Fett! ♫ Am I going crazy? ♫ ♫ I don’t know but I’ve been turned around ♫ JJ: [spoken] Yeah! ♫ You don’t have to worry ♫ ♫ There’s no need to cry ♫ ♫ You don’t have to hurry ♫ ♫ Because I’ve seen the light ♫ ♫ I’ve seen it with my own eyes ♫ ♫ Ooh ahh ohh ♫ ♫ I’ve seen it with my own eyes ♫ ♫ Ooh ahh ohh ♫ Ani: [spoken] What’s this? JJ: [spoken] You’re in a circle, Ani! Ani:[spoken] IT’S MAGIC! JJ: [spoken] YOU’RE IN A CIRCLE! ♫ Ooooohhhhhhhhhhh ♫ ♫ Ooooohhhhhhhhhhh ♫ ♫ I’ve seen it with my own eyes ♫ ♫ Ooh ahh ohh ♫ ♫ I’ve seen it with my own eyes ♫ ♫ Ooh ahh ohh ♫ JJ: [spoken] YEAH! ♫ Ooooohhhhhhhhhhh ♫ Ani: [spoken] I’m excited for the next act. Tarkin: Me too. [spoken] Hey, guys, we’re going to take ten. Okay? [spoken] Keep it up! You’re doing a great job. We’ll be on our way. [music ends] [applause, cheers] [music begins] Hey did you hear Ani is racing again? No way! Yeah he’s training down in Beggar’s Canyon. Hey, let’s check it out. Alright. [cheers] Hey, Tarky. Be honest… Do these outfits look silly? Of course not! This is standard issue Imperial training gear. We look cool. Now keep up, Ani. I’ll try. [Song: The Force (You Got It)] ♫ We’ve barely begun ♫ Ani: [spoken] Go on without me. ♫ Yeah we’re just getting started ♫ ♫ You’ve got a lot of work ahead of you ♫ ♫ Yes you do ♫ JJ: [spoken] Okay, really bad. ♫ It ain’t gonna be fun ♫ ♫ Just keep your eyes on the target ♫ JJ: [spoken] Oh! Hit the nose! ♫ If anyone can do it, baby it’s you… Yes ♫ ♫ ‘Cause you got that one thing hiding up your sleeve ♫ ♫ And every time I see it I can hardly believe my eyes ♫ ♫ And you know why… oh, oh! ♫ ♫ Oh, you got it. Oh, oh you got it ♫ ♫ Oh, you got the Force ♫ ♫ Oh, you got it. Oh, oh you got it ♫ ♫ Oh, you got the Force ♫ ♫ You haven’t gotten there yet ♫ ♫ ‘Cause you can always try harder ♫ ♫ Be stronger, faster, better,♫ ♫ If you believe. You gotta do it! ♫ ♫ When I look in your eyes ♫ ♫ I can see the fire ♫ ♫ It’s burning oh so bright, yeah! ♫ ♫ ‘Cause you got that one thing hiding up your sleeve ♫ ♫ And every time I see it I can hardly believe my eyes ♫ ♫ And you know why… oh, oh! ♫ ♫ Oh you got it. Oh, oh you got it ♫ ♫ Oh, you got the Force ♫ ♫ Oh you got it. Oh, oh you got it ♫ ♫Oh, you got the Force ♫ ♫ Oh ooooh. You got it, you got it, you got it ♫ ♫ You got the Force, yeah ♫ ♫Oh ooooh. You got it, you got it, you got it. Ooo yeah! ♫ ♫ Doo doo doo doo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo doo doo doodoo ♫ JJ: [spoken] Here you go, Ani! Tarkin: [spoken] Alright, Ani, the moment of truth. Go! Ani: [engine noises] It’s WORKING!.. IT’S WORKING! Ani: Now THIS is podracing! Holy smokes! Look at that time! JJ: I can’t read!! [audience laughs] He might actually have a shot at this. Emily: Hey, boys, good work today. Now hit the showers. ♫ Oh oooh! You got it, you got it, you got it ♫ ♫ You got the Force, yeah ♫ ♫ Oh oooh! You got it, you got it, you got it ♫ ♫ You got the Force, yeah ♫ [cheers, applause] Alright, after a long day of training, nothing beats a nice trip to the sauna. [steam noises] Oh, just feel that moisture. Woo! What a day, huh, Ani? You showed some real improvement out there. Hey thanks, Tarky! Hey, here’s a joke for you. What do you do with a dog from Endor? Take him for an Ewok. [bah dum tss] [laughter] That one’s cute, Ani. See? I’m getting better! Hello, boyos! Hey, JJ! Be a pal and give my back a quick rub down, would ya? Sure! [steam sound] So, Tarky… you and Emily… What’s going on there? Oh, nothing, nothing. I really don’t think she likes me at all. Tarky, if that girl looks at you and sees half what I can see, then she sees a whole heck of a lot. Ooh! Yousa be listening to Ani. He’s got the boom skillz with tha ladies. Mui mui! Tarkin: Really?
JJ: Yeah! Yeah, JJ, tell him about my old lady, Padme. Oosa Padme fine! Yousa might even be sayin’ she be lookin’ like… uh….Natalie Portman! No way! Your wife looked like Natalie Portman the ACTRESS? Oh yeah! Dead ringer. Seriously though, she was the most beautiful creature. Hot little Jewish girl from Naboo. Ooh! You got lucky, man! Hey, luck had nothing to do with it. I had a secret weapon. A secret that I now pass on to you. Tarky, when I first left you, I was but a learner. But now [deep dramatic voice] I am the master. Just let me get it out of my locker. [audience laughs] Here ya go! The solution to all your romantic needs. Give it a read. What are these? Some of my old lines! Best stuff I ever said. Alright, let’s see here. I’m haunted by the kiss that you never should have… given… me? Keep going. My heart is beating, hoping that that kiss will not become a scar? Uh, Ani, is this one of your jokes? Oh, you fellows are playing a prank on me! These lines are so bad, it’s funny. What are you talking about? [laughter] This stuff’s gold. Gold?!? I wish I could just wish away my feelings. What’s great about that line is the repetition of the word wish. See, it’s like poetry. It rhymes. There is absolutely no way that you actually said these things. That is literally a transcript of what I said to Padme in front of a fireplace on Naboo. And do you know what happened the next day? I married that girl. Really? So you’re saying that… you’re saying that these lines actually work? Oh, trust me, Tarky, the dames love it! Also when you’re saying these lines, it helps if you cry. Does your voice get any whinier? Like you could say something like: [mimics Hayden Christiansen]
Now that I am with you, I’m in agony. Really lay it on thick, make her feel guilty. And if all else fails, slaughter a village of Sandpeople. Oh. Quickest way to a woman’s heart. Well, I guess I’ve been doing it wrong all these years. Hey, why don’t you take her out for a drink? I know a great little hole-in-the-wall called the Cantina. Just a warning: They don’t serve droids. Alright, fellows! I’ll give it a shot, eh? There ya go! Alright everyone, hands in on three. Together: One, two, three! Hit the nose! [Ani laughs and music fades in] [music out] This must be the place. Alright, Mara, [audience laughs] You can do this. You just gotta knock on the door. [exhales nervously] Alright. [quick knocking] Ee wonna wonga [audience laughs] Mara: Hi! I’m Mara Jade. I’m here to audition for the dancing slave girl position. For Jabba? Mara: Yeah. I take you to Jabba now. Mara: Oh thank you. Come in. Come in. [audience laughs] Come and wait with the other applicants. Mara: Wait, wait…other applicants? [alien singing] [audience laughs and cheers] Mara: She’s so good. So I’ve been a slave dancer for like going on like I don’t know like, 13 years now. Ha ha ha. I’ve done Yavins 1, 2, 3. Pretty much all the Yavins. Where have you slaved? Well I’m over at Geonosis right now. But I’m looking for a change. The people there just BUG me, ya know? [laughs] [Oola laughs] Excuse me, why are YOU laughing? Oh, I don’t know. Well, do you even get the joke? No, Ma’am. See, she said that the people over there BUG her and it’s funny because the people who live on Geonosis are bug people. See, it’s like humorous play on words, and that’s where the comedy comes in, okay? Mara:Okay. So anyway, I hear it’s pretty tough to get enslaved by Jabba. But, I’m like, you know, I got this. You know what I’m saying, boys? You guys want to buy me a drink later? You guys? All of you? One, two, three, four, five, six….Cool. [laughter] See you then. Anyway, honey, your nipple’s hanging out. [laughter] So, anyway, it’s like, sometimes I see those girls who’ve only been slaving for like, a couple years, and it’s like, I just want to be like, Hey, girl, why don’t you take that twerking, or whatever it is you call it, over to Gardulla the Hutt? You know? Honey, this is never gonna happen. [audience laughter] Okay. Okay, now before you audition for Jabba, you gotta fill out this application. Mara: Alright. Now when you fill out this application, be sure to list all the past places that you were previously enslaved, starting with the most recent place of enslavement. Oh, I don’t got any of that. [Gasp] WHAT!! [whispering] [laughter] [more whispering] [more laughter] Do you got any references? No, Ma’am. See, I ain’t never been no slave before. She’s never been a slave! And she auditioned for Jabba! [Bib Fortuna, Oola, and Slave Girl laugh] HA-HA! [laughter, applause] Well, this is it…… The Cantina. Ha-ha. You don’t think I’m maybe like a little overdressed for this place? Oh, no! You’re beautiful! ….I mean, you’re dressed beautiful!
….beautifulLY! uh…..Bartender, check please! I mean, could we have a seat? …Oh dear. [laughs] Sure, pal. Here ya go. Tarkin: Thank you. And hey, How about a bit of friendly advice? Just relax. And be yourself. It’s enough. uh….uhhhhhh [groaning] Hey! …..Hey, hey, hey! You just came in here, but I think you’ve had enough! I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough. Bartender: You’ll tell me when you’ve had enough. [laughter, cheers, applause] Hey. Hey Old Man: Hey. You guys want to see something funny? Watch this. Come here. My dick is a surfboard. Oh my God! [laughter] That man’s dick! It’s a surfboard! Well, what can I get for you, Mr. Surfboard Dick? Well, I’ll start with one of everything, ….and then we’ll go from there. [laughter] Emily: Is that old guy alright? Excuse me, sir. Is everything okay? It’s as if a million voices suddenly cried out in terror and then were suddenly silenced. I have the worst hangover in history.
[laughter] Thank you. (drinking noise) I’m better now. I’m drunk. [laughter] Wow. That guy really puts ’em back, huh? Well, you have to learn to consume this much alcohol if you are to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like me. You’re a Jedi? But I thought all of the Jedi were wiped out except for– Say…. Do you happen to know an Obi-Wan Kenobi? Of course I know him. He’s me! [laughter] I am Obi-Wan Kenobi and I am an alcoholic. [laughter, applause] I’m sorry. I didn’t have to tell you guys that. Let me start again. [laughter] I am Obi-Wan Kenobi. I am a proud graduate of Alcoholics Anominous…. [laughter] ….and I am an alcoholic. [laughter] Who are you? Oh…um, Moff Jeffrey Tarkin. Muff? Whose muff? Her muff? No! no no no no no! Moff! It’s a title. A rank. Moff Tarkin. Oh. Well, it’s very good to meet you, Jeffrey. I like you very much. I’m Obi-Wan. I’m an alcoholic. [laughter] Yes, I know that. Oh, good! Well quit talkin’ all the muff and let’s have a drink, shall we? I hope you don’t mind if I sit between you. Tarkin: Actually, Sir…
Emily: No, no, no, not at all. Emily: You know, to be honest I’m a little bit of a history buff… Tarkin: Oh, that’s funny. So am I. Emily: …and I’ve always wanted to meet a Clone Wars survivor. You know, the whole thing is just so shrouded in mystery. Tarkin: It is a bit mysterious, isn’t it? Obi-Wan: No, no, no. You guys are making it sound more complicated than it was. Let me….set the record straight. The Clone Wars began when my friend Qui-Gon and I went to the planet of Naboo to settle a trade dispute that had broken out between the Trade Federation and the planet. You see, the Federation had put a blockade around the system so that they could uh…. [laughter] I’m sorry. I fell asleep because that was so boring. [laughter, applause, cheers] er….Where was I? Emily: You and your friend Qui-Gon were doing something… Yes, yes. Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon. He was my master, you see. …or was Yoda my master? Phbbbt! [laughter] My memory is flexible. You see, only a Sith deals in absolutes. Tarkin: Wait a minute. That doesn’t make any sense at all– Obi-Wan: I, on the other hand, deal in Absolut! [laugher, cheers, applause] Whooo! We’re having fun now, man!
[laughter] So there I was. I was a Padawan Learner. And I had my long hair… and my little braid. You see, I was kinda like a hippie guy. Yes. Excuse me, Sir. I hate to interrupt. But do you see how your last statement doesn’t make any sense at all? For, if only a Sith deals in absolutes, well then that, in itself, IS an absolute! Do you see how you’ve inadvertently called yourself a Sith there, old boy? [laughter] That muff just blew my mind, man! [laughter] Emily: Anyway….back to the Clone Wars. Why were they called that? When did the clones show up? Well the Separatists, who we were fighting, had robots. And we, the Republic, had clones because the leader of the Separatists, who was a Sith Lord, made them for us. But how could we have known that those clones would remain loyal to that Sith Lord? We didn’t see that one comin’!
[laughter] You didn’t even suspect foul play? Well, our vision was clouded. And, we were very stupid!
[laughter] But to our credit, we were being tricked. You see, both the Republic and the Separatists were secretly being controlled by the Emperor. He was fighting a war against himself for control of a galaxy that he already had control of. [laughter] What I’ve never understood is, why would the Jedi, who are supposedly the protectorate of the peace, plunge the galaxy into a war? We declared war in the name of peace! Right!
[laughter] We couldn’t just let the Sith run everything! They’re a group of religious zealots who want to impose their will on everyone else…. …and that’s the Jedis’ job!
[laughter] We’re the Light Side. They’re the Dark Side! They believe in love. We forbid it! Don’t you see? Don’t you see? There has to be a balance– –a harmony between Light and the Dark Side. And to create that harmony, we wanted to wipe out the Dark Side! [laughter] And then all of a sudden two Sith come along and they kill all but two Jedis. That’s not balanced!
[laughter] Tarkin: Yes it is! You know, speaking with you has confirmed everything that Ani ever told me about the Jedi. You guys are a bunch of knuckleheads! Well you can tell that Annie that she can go and get her gun. [laughter, cheers, applause] Because she has insulted my religion and now I will kill her with my sword. Tarkin: Oh no! No no no! Ani. Ani…. as in… your old apprentice. Do you remember Ani? Yes. I loved him like a brother. So I cut him in half…. [laughter] ….and I put him in a volcano. [laughter, applause] Oh. Well…he’s better now. WHAT?!!! Yes, why, in fact he’s racing in this year’s Boonta Eve. You should come by sometime and say hello. Perhaps you two can bury the old hatchet there, hmm? [ringing sound] Oh, pardon me. I’m being invited to a FaceTime. [ringing sound] Oh, that’s not good.
Emily: What is it? It’s the Emperor. I think I’m in trouble. Emily…… I need to take this. Emily: I can’t miss this! Well. It’s like…. Goddammit, right? [laughter] It’s like….you think you kill a guy….. and then he shows up as a goddamn robot. [laughter] And this is the second bloody time this has happened to me! [laughter, cheers, applause] First Darth Maul, now Ani! Aw, what is the world coming to? I tell you what! Well….I guess I’ll just have to finish the job. Come here, my little friend. Yes……It appears that you and I have a common enemy. What do you say to the two of us joining forces? Yes. Podracing is a dangerous sport… especially for a man of Ani’s age. And especially if he doesn’t have his pit crew there to help him. So what do you say, I take care of the pit crew… and you make sure that Ani doesn’t finish the race? [Sebulba chuckles] Yes, sabotage his pod if you have to, I don’t care. Just kill him! Yes. I like you Qdoba. [laughter] I like you because you are a animal and I like animals. [laughter] You remind me of my friend, Yoda. Yoda is a green animal who lives in a swamp. [laughter] You’d like him. He’s cute. And now, let’s have a drink to our fiendish union….of the Light Side! [Both laugh wickedly. Drinking noises. Ominous music] [Cheers. Applause.] [music ends] Oh-ho. Here goes nothing. [ringing sound] [ringing sound] Pappy: Jeffrey!
Tarkin: Oh, hello, Pappy! Jeffrey, I finished that Lego set I was working on. You must be so proud of yourself, Sir! Well, I didn’t do it all by myself. I had some help! From whom? ….may I ask? Hello, Jeffrey. Veers! Yes, and he’s also filled me in on all of this podracing business! Huh? Unlike you! I’ve half a mind to make this guy my Grand Moff! I’m terribly sorry, Jeffrey old boy, but you see opportunity only knocks once. I would have expected this from Needa, but not you, Veers! Needa! I’m sick of hearing the name Captain Needa. From now on, this galaxy will know the name of General Veers! Pappy: Thank you, Captain Needa. Veers: Dammit! [laughter] So anyway, Tarkin, I want you to bring Ani home right now, okay? Enough messing around, alright? Oh, Sir…. Pardon me, but Ani’s put so much effort into this already. Why, it’s the happiest I’ve seen him in years! You wouldn’t just take that away from him now, would you? Podracing is stupid! No apprentice of mine is gonna be out podracing! I need Ani back here to help me run this battle station! Well, if that’s the only reason that you need him, perhaps I oughtn’t bring him back at all, Sir. [music begins and builds] Jeffrey, you will follow orders. Yes, Sir. I will follow orders. But not your orders! I’ll follow the orders of my heart! That’s something that Ani taught me! Tarkin: And I can’t believe that you, knowing how Ani loves podracing oh so very much, won’t even support him in that! What sort of a Pappy are you? That’s it, Jeffrey! You can kiss that promotion good-bye! FINE! [kissing noise] [gasp. squeaking noise]] [kissing noises] [squeaking] [kissing noises] [laughter. cheers] THERE! You can take that promotion and you can stick it in your Dark Side, Sir! [laughter] I’m hanging up now. Tarkin out. Jeffrey, don’t you hang up on me! ….Ai! [laughter. music ends.] Emily: Whoa. You just hung up on the Emperor! Yep. [laughter] Emily: Think you’ll lose your job? Yep [laughter] Well…. [sigh] Good night. Emily: Jeffrey, wait!
Tarkin: Yes? Emily:That was pretty cool what you did back there– standing up for a friend like that. Really? Emily: Yeah. I didn’t know you had it in you. Well. I think you’ll find I’m full of surprises. Emily: Oh….oh no. Ew. Is that like a pick-up line or something? NO! Sorry. Terribly sorry. Emily: I’m just gonna head back to the ship. Turn in for the night. Emily, wait! Yeah? [laughter] [louder laughter. applause. cheering] From the moment I met you….all those years ago, not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. Emily: Really? And….. [laughter] [Hayden Christensen impression]
Now that I’m with you, I’m in agony! [laughter] Emily: I had no idea. [whiny voice] The thought of not being with you—I can’t breathe! [laughter] I’m haunted by the kiss that you never should have given me! Emily: We never kissed! Emily: Wait…..did we? [whiny voice] My heart is beating, hoping that that kiss will not become a scar. [laughter] Emily: Jeffrey Tarkin, you…. ….are a poet! [romantic music begins] [laughter, cheers, applause] Emily: No man has ever spoken to me like this. You just seem so…….pathetic. I am! I am! [whiny voice] You’re in my very soul, tormenting me! Emily: Oh, I’m so sorry. I feel so guilty. If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me. [laughter] Emily: I think I am. Emily: Jeffrey, this is gonna sound crazy, but….. I think we should get married……tomorrow! OH! [laughter, cheers, applause] Holy Smokes! Thanks, Ani. [Song: Haunted by the Kiss] ♫ From the moment I met you ♫ ♫ all those years ago, ♫ ♫ not a single day has gone away ♫ ♫ that I didn’t think of you. ♫ ♫ And now that I’m with you, I’m in agony. ♫ ♫ The closer that I get to you, ♫ ♫ The worse it gets for me. ♫ ♫ But the thought of not being with you— ♫ ♫ I cannot breathe! ♫ ♫ I’m haunted by the kiss that you, ♫ ♫ That you never should have given me. ♫ ♫ I’m haunted by the kiss that you, ♫ ♫ That you never should have given me. ♫ ♫ My heart won’t stop beating, ♫ ♫ hoping that this kiss ♫ ♫ will never ever become a scar. ♫ ♫ You’re in my soul. ♫ ♫ You’re tormenting me. ♫ ♫ If you’re suffering as much as I am, ♫ ♫ please won’t you tell me? ♫ ♫ ‘Cause the thought of not being with you— ♫ ♫ I cannot breathe! ♫ ♫ I’m haunted by the kiss that you, ♫ ♫ That you never should have given me. ♫
♫ (Haunted by the kiss…) ♫ ♫ (That you never should have given me. Ohhhh.) ♫ ♫ I’m haunted by the kiss that you, ♫ ♫ (Haunted by, haunted by the kiss…) ♫ ♫ That you never should have given me. ♫ ♫ (That you never should have given me. Noooooo.) ♫ ♫ Oooooooooooo. ♫ Emily: [giggles] hehehehehe [cheers, applause] Emily: [giggles] hehehehehe ♫ I’m haunted by the kiss ♫ ♫ from yoooooouuuuu. ♫ [cheers, applause] [spoken] Thanks, Ani. Ani: So I’m talking to a couple of friends of mine, and I say, You know that party we’re having on Friday? Well, I was thinking of inviting a Destroyer Droid.
They say, Don’t do it. I say, Why not? He’ll be a ball! [bah-dum, tsss] Ah-ha-ha! Because a Destroyer Droid be rollin’ in a ball and he canna be a ball! It’s a play on words! Ani: Exactly. Yousa ready for the race tomorrow, Lord Vader? Well, Lord Vader isn’t. But Ani is. Ah. Yousa scared? Well, yeah. Mesa scared. Mesa very, very scared. But it’s not bom-bad. I’m feelin’ alive, you know?
JJ: Yeah. Hey, thanks for everything, JJ. Oh, thank you, Ani! Ani: Yousa clean today? JJ: Yeah, mesa clean. Ani: One day at a time. That’s all we can do. JJ: Yup. Ani: One day at a time. Ani: See ya on the track! JJ: Okeeday! See ya tomorrow, Ani! [door closes and opens again] Ani is my friend and I love him. Obi-Wan: Good evening, Mr. Binks. [ominous music begins] JJ: [gasps] Obi Kenobi? It’s another friend! YAAAAYYY!!!! Obi-Wan: [sarcastically] Ooohhh. Yippee. Oh, whoop-dee-doo! It’s Obi Kenobi! [laughter] Is that what you think we are, JJ? Boyos? Bosom companions? Friends? That’s what I spake! The ability to “spake” does not make one intelligent. Do you know what I said to Qui-Gon the day that we found you on Naboo? I said, You leave that rabbit-duck where you found him! And he said to me, This Gungan may be of help. But he was wrong, wasn’t he, Mr. Binks? No! And now I have one final question for you: Is it duck season or wabbit season?
[laughter] JJ: [gasp]
[audience gasps and laughter] Both apply to you, my unfortunate friend. Uh-oh! Mesa in big doo-doo dis time! Yes. A considerable amount of doo-doo. [laughter] And now, JJ, give me all your booze. JJ: My booze?
Obi-Wan: Yeah, give me booze now. JJ: I don’t drink anymore. Obi-Wan: Come on man, I know you got some! Don’t hold out on me! I’ve got a gun on ya! JJ: Okay, okay, okay. But it’s just for emergencies, okay? Obi-Wan: Okay. Hand it over. And now give me some money. JJ: I don’t have any money, Obi. Obi-Wan: Yousa sure? You should check in your pockets. JJ: I checked my pockets, Obi. Please! Okay, okay! Now do me a favor, JJ, and once I’ve killed you, don’t come back as a goddamn robot. JJ: Please, NO! [gunshot]
JJ: OH! Obi-Wan: Uh-oh. I better get outta here. [laughter. music ends.] Emily: How’s he doing? Tarkin: The Doctor droid says it’s not looking good.
Emily: Oh, Jeffrey! I rushed over as soon as I heard. What’s going on? Something happen to JJ? Did he hurt himself? I never should have left him alone! Ani, this is not your fault. JJ’s been shot. Ani: Shot?
Tarkin: Yes. By who? We don’t know. He’s not making much sense in there. Ani: Well I wanna see him. Tarkin: No, Ani. You’d better not go back there. No, Ani! Wait! Ani! Ani: Oh, JJ. I’m here. [sniff] Yousa thinkin’ JJ gonna die? [sad music begins] Of course not. You’ll be okeeday. Monsters out there. Leakin’ in here. All sinking and no power. When yousa thinking JJ gonna be in trouble? JJ, this is all my fault. I never should have dragged you into this mess. If only I could stop people from dying! Better dead here, than deada in the core. Oh no, JJ. Please don’t go. JJ, please don’t go. Sorry, Ani. Mesa… goin’…. home. [music ends] JJ? JJ! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Tarkin: Whoa! Oh my. Emily: Was that Ani? I’ll go and speak with him. I can only imagine how he must be feeling.
Emily: [sobs] Tarkin: Ani! Ani, what are you doing out here? Where are you going? I’m going back to the Death Star. Fun’s over. What? What about the race? Forget the race! It was a dumb idea to begin with, and now it’s got JJ killed. What are you talking about? Well, somebody obviously doesn’t want me to compete. That’s why they killed my pit crew! That’s the only explanation for what’s going on here! That’s not necessarily true. Everyone hated JJ. [laughter] And a lot of them wanted to see him dead. But the only thing that he wanted to see… was you racing again! If you don’t compete, you’ll be letting him down. Why, you’ll be letting yourself down! I’ll be saving us all the embarrassment! Who was I kiddin’? I can’t beat these CGI cartoons at a computer graphic race–it’s their turf! [laughter] I’m thrown’ in the towel. In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances! NO! You overestimate my chances! I got a confession to make, Tarky! I knew I didn’t stand a chance. And I got another confession to make. I don’t even think I’m the Personnel Supervisor aboard the Death Star. Oh, Ani, you’re not. I already knew that. Well I didn’t! ‘Cause I’ve been lying to myself all these years! Trying to convince myself that I was worth something! …..Something! But I’m not. [inspiring music begins] You know, Ani, when you get behind the thrusters of a pod, you have a power that I don’t understand, that I could never understand. Tarkin: That’s something special, Anakin. Why, it’s one in a million. But the way that you’re talking right now, you sound like a big… old… Chancellor Valorum. Who? [laughter] Come on, Ani, don’t you know dick about Star Wars? [laughter] Chancellor Valorum. He was the chancellor before Pappy. He was removed from office with a vote of… no confidence? [laughter] You son of a bitch, Tarky. You got me. That was my Star Wars joke. What did you think of it? I thought it was a bit too obscure and hard to follow. [laughter] It would also help if you threw in a humorous play on words. You see… that’s where the comedy comes in. Bob: Yo! Ani! Word on the street is somebody shot my boy JJ? And you need a new pit crew! Bob? What did I tell you, Ani? You call me! Bob: Come on, Gang! Mara: Hey, Ani! Ani: Mara, what are you doing here? I figured you’d be dancing your little heart out to the tunes of the Max Rebo Band by now. Everyone else: WHO? The little blue elephant in Jabba’s Palace? Come on, guys! Oh, Ani, I don’t think that that whole slave dancing thing is gonna work out for me. What about your dream? I’ve got another dream! And it’s to be at the next Boonta Eve and to see Ani Skywalker pull up to the starting line! Mara: Will you help me with it? Emily: Yeah, Ani.
Bob: Whaddya say, Pal? Tarkin: Whaddya think, Ani?
Jawa: Utini? [laughter] Well, I don’t know. Sebulba’s pretty tough. Not to mention Quadinaros. Plus, my pod could still use a fix-up, and uh….Sure! All: YEAH!! YIPPEE!! [cheers, applause] [music continues] Fode: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, cats and dogs, hogs and frogs, I’m a man with two heads! Beed: That’s right, Tom. Fode: We’re here at the podracing event of the year: the Boonta Eve Classic! Beed: That’s right, Tom. Fode: And everyone’s looking forward to the grudge match between the podracing champ Sebulba and the ex-ex-ex former champ Ani. Personally I’ve got no money on this way past his prime racer, but hey, I’ve been wrong before. In fact, one of my heads always tells the truth and one of us always lies! Beed: That’s right, Tom. [engine noises] [music winds down] [engine stops] Alright, Ani, she’s ready to fly. Now Ani, be careful in the Arch Canyon. You’re going to have to maneuver The Whip, Jag Crag Gorge, and Laguna Cave. And remember when you’re rounding Canyon Dune, look out for the Sand People. Hey, not to worry, you two. I know this course like the back of my hand. Tarkin: Let’s go over it one more time, eh? [Sebulba laughs wickedly] Alright. Well. See you in the Winner’s Circle. Hey, Tarky! One more thing. Tarkin: What is it? Help me take this mask off. Don’t you need it to breathe? No. [laughter] Ani: Whatever gave you that idea? I don’t….I assumed, I guess. I just want to say thanks with my own face. Tarkin: Alright. [depressurizing sound] TANK YOU! Tarkin: Oh god. You’re welcome. NOOOOO! BURNS! Tarkin: I know. I’m going to put this back on. Oh geez. Oh my word. [laughter] Isn’t it weird that I look like that under there? Yes.
[laughter] Well. The moment of truth, eh? [music begins] You know, there’s a saying back on Coruscant, Every great racer has one last race in him. Why don’t you go out there and teach them that the last thing to age is the heart! [Song: One in a Million] ♫ Can you feel it ♫ ♫ in the air ♫ ♫ floating around us ♫ ♫ everywhere? ♫ ♫ Can you believe it ♫ ♫ now that you’re here? ♫ ♫ It’s calling out to you ♫ ♫ loud and clear. ♫ ♫ One in a million ♫ ♫ Once in a lifetime ♫ ♫ Nothing like anything you’ve seen before ♫ ♫ One in a million ♫ ♫ It’s right in front of you ♫ ♫ Just reach out ♫ ♫ and do what you gotta do! ♫ Fode: Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines! [engine noises] Fode: 3…… 2…… 1……. GO! ♫ One in a million ♫ ♫ One in a million ♫ ♫ Can you feel it ♫ ♫ in the air ♫ ♫ floating around us ♫ ♫ everywhere? ♫ ♫ Can you believe it ♫ ♫ now that you’re here? ♫ ♫ It’s calling out ♫ ♫ loud and clear. ♫ ♫ One in a million ♫ ♫ Oh, you got it! ♫ ♫ Oh, oh, you got it! ♫ ♫ One in a million ♫ ♫ Oh, you got it! ♫ ♫ Oh, oh, you got it! ♫ Fode: Looks like Ani and the champ are neck and neck! Ani: [spoken] Oh no! My power cells! They’re draining. We’re losing speed! My power’s gone! What happened to my power couplings? Ani: Sebulba, you cheat! You rotten cheat! This is the second time this has happened to me! Sebulba: See ya! Fode: Whoa! Looks like a bad crash for Ani. What a disappointment that must be. He came here for a race, not an execution. Say good-bye to the legend of Ani, folks. Should have stayed in retirement, old man. [music ends]
[engine dying] [CRASH] I’m sorry, JJ. I just couldn’t do it. [soft music begins] Pappy: You know, This reminds me of the time that I found you on Mustafar. Pappy? There you were, cut in half, on fire, [laughter] …waiting for your old Pappy to come and take you home. [music ends] I miss those days. You don’t need me anymore. That’s not true, Pappy. Ani, I just thought that the Death Star was something that we could do…together. But if you wanted to podrace so bad, why didn’t you just ask? Because you hate podracing. Ani… believe it or not, I was young once too. And I had a dream, [soft music begins] a crazy dream, to build a gigantic boob in outer space! [laughter] …that could destroy planets with its galactic milk. And this was back even before I was a senator even. When I was just a lowly community organizer with 300 Republic credits to my name and a bachelor’s in Poly Sci. [laughter] Those space boobs seemed so far away back then. But I worked hard and I trained to become a Sith. And I plunged the galaxy into civil war! And now those boobies are so close I could touch ’em! [laughter] So I know what it’s like to reach for the stars. …or the yobbos, whatever floats yer boat. [laughter] But I guess, in pursuit of my dream, I forgot to believe in yours. [music ends] And for that, Ani, I’m sorry. It’s okay, Pappy. I did what I came here to do. I raced. I just wish I could have gone the distance, you know? Ani, let me tell you something about the Sith. We are the only guys who deal in absolutes. And we absolutely do not take no for an answer! Pappy, my pod’s busted. All the power’s been drained. Well, then it sounds to me like what you need is a supercharge! Ani, get in that pod and here we go! [electrical noises]
[music begins] [cheers] It’s working! It’s wooooorkiiiiiinnng! Good! Now go, Ani, go! And remember, try spinning. That’s a good trick! Fode: Well, it appears that all of our other racers are dead, which makes the outcome of this race a foregone conclusion. And here he comes now, the undisputed podracing champ of the the galaxy, Sebulba, making his way through the Hutt Flats, taking his time, enjoying the scenery. And why wouldn’t he? There is absolutely no one who could possibly stop him now– What waddat? Folks, our cameras are trying to pick something up, but it’s moving just too gosh darn fast! We can’t get a focus on it. Did you see that! Wait. Could it be? I…I think it is. It’s…… It’s…… Ani! ♫ One in a million! ♫ [engine noises] ♫ One in a million! ♫ Tarkin: [drawn out, slow-motion shouting] ANI! You’ve got the high ground! Tarkin: [drawn out, slow-motion shouting] Hit the nose! ♫ One in a million! ♫ [cheers, applause] Fode: And Sebulba’s going down! The champion’s going down! Here comes Ani across the finish line! The new podracing champ: ANI! [cheers, applause] I DID IT! They were like animals and I slaughtered them like animals! I HATE THEM! YAAAAAAAAAY! Hey, JJ! WE DID IT! WE DID IIIIIT! [cheers, applause] ♫ One in a million! ♫ What? He won? That’s not fair! We cheated! [laughter] Oh well. I guess I’ll move on to Plan B. I’ll raise Ani’s son in ignorance and I’ll trick him into killing his own father. [laughter] And if I can’t deceive the boy, there’s always….sister. Qui-Gon: Oooooh. Let it go, old friend. Oh, Qui-Gon, there you are. Ah. I thought you were dead. [Irish brogue] I am. I’m a ghost. Oh. Care for a drink? Always. Ha-ha-ha. I call this one a Qui-Gon Gin [laughter] ….and Tonic. That sounds lovely. Thank you. I—Hey! Hey! Hey! [laughter] I can’t get it. It’s all blue and see-through like you! Ha-ha. Sorry, friend, but booze are for ghosts! [laughter, applause] You see what I did thar? Boo! It’s the sound a ghost makes. And booze is a word for an alcoholic beverage. It’s a humorous play on words! And that’s….where the comedy comes in. [gulp] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [cheers, laughter, applause] No! I wanted a drink. I want to drink a drink. Oh well. Strike me down now… and I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. [harp glissando] [cheers, applause] [laughter] Alright, Mara, listen up. Jabba can be a little intimidating. So if you start to get nervous just picture him naked. That’s a joke, kid. He’s always naked. [laughter] You’ll see. You gotta relax. You’ll do great. Bob: Yo! Ani! Mara! Hey, Bob! Thanks for getting me this audition. Yeah, no sweat! I whisper in Jabba’s ear, and you get an audition the same day! When Bob says something, you know it’s for real! [rocket noises] [laughter, cheers] Hey, kid. Knock ’em dead. Thanks, Ani. Jabba: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. Bib Fortuna: Okay, Jabba. Okay, we’ve got one last audition to see today. Jabba: Lo cheeba Jedi. Bib Fortuna: Jabba says, Whenever you’re ready. Mara: Okay. [music begins] Jabba: Oh-ho-ho! [others laugh]
[music stops abruptly] She fell down during her big audition! ha-ha-ha! That sucks! Ha-ha-ha! Ani: Come on, kid, you can do this! [music begins, faster] [Song: Back on Top] ♫ Everyone thought they were dreaming. ♫ ♫ They couldn’t believe their eyes. ♫ ♫ No one saw you, ♫ ♫ Saw you coming. ♫ ♫ You took them by surprise. ♫ ♫ They all said you had your moment. ♫ ♫ It was there, then it passed you by. ♫ ♫ You proved them wrong. ♫ Now they know it. ♫ ♫ Lightning strikes a second time! ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ A champion! ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ ♫ The only one! ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ ♫ I think you’re back again! ♫ Bib Fortuna: [spoken] Wow! She’s actually pretty good! Gangsta: [spoken] Dis girl’s breaking all da rules! Crowd: Whoa! ♫ You’re on top of the world! ♫ ♫ You’re in command! ♫ ♫ Everything exists in the palm of your hand. ♫ ♫ Yeah, you got it! ♫ ♫ You just gotta let it out! ♫ ♫ If you got a hunger, then you gotta feed it. ♫ ♫ Just open your eyes, and then you can see it. ♫ ♫ Just reach out your hand, and then you can feel it. ♫ ♫ You just gotta believe it! ♫
♫ And you can get ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ ♫ A champion! ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ ♫ The only one! ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ ♫ I think we’re back again! ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ ♫ Back on top! ♫ ♫ You’re back on top! ♫ ♫ I think you’re back again! ♫ Ani: [spoken] Great dance, kid! that was one in a million! Mara: thanks, Ani! Jabba says, You got the part! I got the part! I’m a slave girl! ♫ ANI! ANI! ♫ ♫ ANI! ANI!♫ ♫ ANI! ♫ ♫ I think we’re ready now! ♫ ♫ I think we’re ready to go! ♫ [cheers, applause] ♫ This is the beginning. ♫ ♫ I’m coming back to life. ♫ ♫ It feels like something’s coming. ♫ ♫ And it’s gonna be all right. ♫ ♫ You don’t have to worry. ♫ ♫ There’s no need to cry. ♫ ♫ You don’t have to hurry. ♫ ♫ Because I’ve seen the light! ♫ ♫ I’ve seen it with my own eyes. ♫ ♫ Ooo, wah, oh.♫ ♫ I’ve seen it with my own eyes. ♫ ♫ Ooo, wah, oh.♫ ♫ Woooooooooooooooooo. ♫ ♫ Woooooooooooooooooo. ♫

100 thoughts on “ANI: A Parody

  1. I'd say that Ani has one of, if not the best soundtrack in Starkid, however much hate it gets. Yes, I don't like that it was sung completely by a band, but the songs are really, really, great.

  2. How did they make a bunch of people waving their arms around making car noises so awesome and emotional?


  3. I just love that the costumes look like they went to Primark and just got a bunch of Star Wars onesies and bathrobes and that it. So hilarious!

  4. Now I’m not going to lie, I’ve watched through all starkid shows multiple times other than this one…and I don’t know why. I guess when I first saw the beginning I said “I’m not a big Star Wars fan I won’t understand anything, I’ll just skip it” and now that I’ve finally finished this show I’m Already on a rewatch of it. The music is SO CATCHY it’s not my personal favorite starkid soundtrack (that goes to Starship but that’s my favorite show so it probably will never change) but it’s already really high up there! And the story is actually really touching and hit kind of close to home…and it got me to cry.I feel so bad for not giving this show a legit chance for no reason as I now think it is EXTREMELY underrated. I hope nobody else makes the mistake I made of skipping over this ABSOLUTE GEM OF A SHOW!

  5. "He'll electrocute me with lightning or worse… I'll lose that promotion" radiates the same energy as hermoine's "we could get killed or worse expelled!"

  6. the bar scene in this show is one of starkid's funniest moments. that's right. i said it. in all of starkid history, that bar scene is one of the best.

  7. This whole show is played on SITHesyzers 😀

    You see, it's a humorous play on words…. and that's where the comedy comes in

  8. Can we talk about how Meridth was a part of an amazing mini pit group. But she also played a pretty iconoc chracter in one of my favourite scenes.

  9. Ani: “They’re like animals and I slaughtered them like animals, I HATE THEM!!!”
    Everyone: “Yaaayyyyyy!!!!”

  10. Was that last dance inspired by that
    or is it only me that wants that? 😀

  11. The sarcastic delivery of "I'm better now, I'm drunk" is one of my favorite lines out of any of the Starkid shows.

  12. 1:44:08 "one of our heads always tells truth and the other always lies" "that's right Tom" this makes no sense because if one of them is saying the first thing and telling the truth then the second one must be telling the truth to say it's right and they also can't both be lying. It's a paradox

  13. It's been so long since I last saw this, but I felt like coming back to it because I've heard a lot of Starkid fans say this is the one show from them that they didn't like. And while I do still find it to be one of their weaker entries, considering the competition, that's honestly not a bad thing so much as it's a testament to how amazing Team Starkid is. Because even at their weakest, they can still produce high quality. I still find the jokes in this hilarious, and heck, they managed the incredible task of making Jar Jar likable. The only thing that prevents me from putting this on the level of their other works is the songs, which even after giving this another shot I still find forgettable for the most part. The new direction is interesting and they do a good job. I just can't remember any of these songs for the life of me.

  14. First off how fucking dare you make me cry at JJ's death?

    Second this was beautiful I'm in tears this is a blessing and Denise is a treasure.

  15. I hate jar jar so much but I am crying cause jj died. The movies jar jar is horrible but this jj is a masterpiece and I am sobbing. 😭😭😭

  16. I have lost count of the number of times I've seen this show, it makes me ridiculously happy every time I watch it and I think everyone involved knocked it out of the park!!!

  17. To whoever is having a hard time with this: I know at first it seems weird, and if like me you have almost 0 experience with the 80s sort of movies they're making fun of (or simply are too into Vader's "Cool Mysterious Evil Dude" canon thing), it may be hard to start off with, but!

    This musical does grow on you. Do try to watch it at least till the very end of Act 1! It's just great!

  18. Wait– if one of the heads said, "One of us always tells the truth and the other one always lies" and the other head said "That's right, Tom!" then both of them are lying. lol

  19. I have watched zero Star Wars movies, when I tried they just bore me to death. But I'm really happy I watched this musical, because it's one of my favourites. Maybe I'll even give the movies another try.

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